A guilt-ridden priest with a dark secret finds himself held hostage in a Catholic confessional by a sinister, unseen terrorist wearing a suicide vest strapped with explosives.
daleynixonLogliner
A guilt-ridden priest with a dark secret finds himself held hostage in a Catholic confessional by a sinister, unseen terrorist wearing a suicide vest strapped with explosives.
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So this priest is guilt-ridden with a dark secret. Firstly, don’t be shy about what the secret is. Chances are that’s the hook that’ll determine if people want to read on or not. Secondly, if it’s even remotely close to any of the dark secrets that some other catholic priests have, how is the audience going to root for him to survive? Even if he ends up confessing everything… is the audience going to care whether he gets blown up or not? ?You’re pitting a terrorist against a guilty priest. Nobody is going to win… especially not the audience.
Is this a short or a feature length? I’m not sure there’s enough substance here to sustain 90min+
Obviously my comments are solely based on this logline and may change if you clue is in to this big secret. I could be barking up the wrong tree but if the priest is a pedophile and the terrorist is actually someone who he abused as a child then I think spelling that out would actually make for a more interesting logline. If this is the case, I’d DEFINITELY switch the protagonist to the guy with the explosives. Much more interesting and relatable seeing it from that perspective. As I say though… I’m speculating.
Don’t be vague with a logline… the reader needs to understand exactly what is happening in the story without having to make assumptions. Don’t hide what potentially makes your story unique.
There is a lot of unneeded words. You can easily chop it down, by getting rid of “sinister unseen etc etc.”
The formula is very helpful, because it helps you spot 3 essential elements:
As you see, the character’s outer motivation is missing. You have to give some hint of what the bomber wants and what the priest has to do during the Second Act.
I think this has potential and is very timely,
Here is how I think your story could work out.
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1: You set up the priest as ‘respectable’ make him look like a good guy, show him saving the cat. (First 5 to 10 minutes tops, no more than that)
2: He goes into the confessional (Page 10) and the terrorist is on the other side with his bomb. (Inciting incident)
3: The terrorist says he is going to blow up the church because of the child abuse scandal
4: The priest then tries to talk the terrorist down. He uses his skills as a priest. (This is the meat of the story)
5: As the conversation continues, the terrorist gets more and more specific, he knows things about the priests personally
6: However, the priest, talking about God and forgiveness?seems to actually convince the bomber to give up his plan.
7: Then the bomber hits the priest with the twist. “You are the one who did the abuse! You abused me!” (The turn into the third act)
8: The bomber didn’t pick this priest at random, he is the bombers personal abuser, when the bomber was a child.
9: The priest denies it, but the bomber is relentless
10: Finally (The Irony) The priest confesses.
11: The priest pleads the bomber for forgiveness
12: The bomber tells the priest, “Ask God for forgiveness when you see him”
The bomb explodes: The End (Fade to black)
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The idea behind this would be; when the movie begins the priest is the ‘good guy’ and the Terrorist/bomber is the ‘bad guy’ however once the third act hits, we see it is the opposite, the situation has turned. The priest is the bad guy and the bomber was his victim when he was just a kid.
Possible title: Confession?
Simultaneously provides too much information and not enough.
“Guilt-ridden priest” is enough to define your protagonist – don’t tell us here he has a secret; reveal it in the story. Also if he’s feeling that guilty, a dark secret is implied.
No one “finds” themselves doing something. It’s weak wording, makes your character passive. If he’s held hostage, just say he’s held hostage, then give us an idea what he’s going to do about it. That makes him active.
You already told us he’s a priest in a confessional; why specify Catholic? Isn’t that a given? If not, does it matter? Maybe in the story, but not here. Get rid of any extraneous words.
Being a terrorist already defines the antagonist as such; no need to describe such a person as sinister. He’s a bad guy, we get it. Also no need to tell us the guy’s unseen, because it brings up too many questions: if he’s unseen, how do we know he’s a terrorist or what he’s wearing? Surely the script itself can answer these, but no need to raise them here. Just tell us who, what, and why. Leave the intricate details for later.
More unnecessary words: suicide vest. “Strapped with explosives” pretty much tells us everything.
Cutting all this down leaves you with “A guilt-ridden priest is held hostage in a confessional by a terrorist strapped with explosives.” Succinct, but this is what I mean by not enough information. You’ve told us who and what, now we need to know why. You’ve given us the protagonist, antagonist, and the stakes, but what’s the conflict? Sure, one guy’s threatening to blow up the other guy, who probably doesn’t want this to happen, but what’s the real reason for all this? What’s caused the confrontation? Why this priest, why here, why now? Is it related to his guilt, his secret? Surely it must be, but you have to give us a taste to make the story compelling.
As an example, without knowing the actual story: “A guilt-ridden priest is held hostage in a confessional by a terrorist strapped with explosives who claims to be his long lost son.” You can’t just tell us who’s in the story and what it’s about; you have to tell us why it’s a story.