sorry… just wanted to delete and couldn’t see how…
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I’m guessing there is an implied causal ?link between his father’s parole and the stripper going missing, but I’m not sure. ?And I shouldn’t have to guess. ? The causal link, if it?exists, should be unambiguous in the logline.
Whatever, the logline sets up a situation for a potentially interesting plot, but unfortunately doesn’t ?fulfill the purpose of a logline which is to concisely delineate a plot. ?Specifically, it doesn’t lay out his objective goal: ?as a result of these 2 events, what becomes his objective goal? ?It is not enough to tell how he feels (“grief plus rage”); ?it’s necessary to state what he does about it, how he acts on those feelings.
What does he do as a result of his rage and grief that producess “perilous consequences”?
You may want to check out the “Training” option at the top of the web page for guidelines how to write an industry standard logline.
fwiw
I’m not sure what actually happens in the movie? You’ve described two events that happen early – his lover goes missing and his father gets released from prison. But what is the arc of the film? Is the detective trying to find out where is lover is? Is he trying to get revenge on his father? dpg makes the same point as I do – what actually happens in the story?
Loglinse are best structured on definitives as appose to probability. I suggest you not use such qualifiers as “?probably?” as this indicates to a reader that they need to make a choice in regards to the events in the story instead of being told what they are.
As the others have noted, this needs to be shorter and efficiently describe a single plot. However, you’ve actually specified that the second event is “?unrelated?” which is a problem. You can have a hand full of unrelated events in a film (especially in comedy – if they’re for big laughs), but these should be too few and far in between to make it into the logline.
The revision still does not indicate a plot. ?What does ?”create a monster” mean in terms of dramatic action?
So he’s unhappy ?What do those negative emotions, grief and rage, trigger him to do? ?What he wants to do about the fact that his father is out and the stripper has gone missing? ?What becomes his (singular) objective goal??
It’s too long, you can close this down by half if you focus on the points made previously from other reviews about event and action. You have to choose which is the event, the father being released or the girlfriend disappearing? Choose one. What action does he take to try and fix this event? In the updated logline you’ve provided, no action exists. Ambiguity should’t be in there, you’ve kind of set up the 1st act but as an outsider, I have no idea what action would be taken in the second and most important act, which makes up the majority of the film.