The Night Shift
A lonely night time worker, at a weather station, has gotten tired of his pathetic life, whose wife and children don?t even respect him, when suddenly he meets a woman at work who will change his life for the better ? and the worse.
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Sorry to say this does need a lot of work as it is long and lacks structure.
I would make the first part easier to read by combining them. “A lonely night time weather station worker” ???
“With a pathetic life and an unrespecting family, he meets a woman …..”
This is like reading the beginning of the script. You set up too much at the beginning – does it matter he works at a weather station? Surely you can some up he leads a monotonous life in a shorter sentence than the three lines it has taken. Also how does this woman change his life and what is he going to do to change? He needs to be searching for his goal and at the moment there is no goal in sight. Does he fancy this woman or does she help him see life in a positive way? Does she offer his a job, drugs, money to help him out but demands to be paid back? We need to know these kind of incidents to drive the story.
I understand the worker’s desire. I have a strong idea of his motivation. What’s his goal? I assume the stakes are the wife and children (but it could also be his job).
I don’t think you need the first two commas.
It seems to me that you’re hinting at the character arc with the phrase “will change his life…” I don’t think that’s needed. We expect the main character to change.
Thanks for the advice guys! And I understand the criticism, I established too much at the beginning, with no understanding of what the main character wants.
How about this:
“When a night time worker, with a family that doesn’t respect him, decides he wants to make his life and job more interesting, he meets a woman that offers him a chance to change all that.”
Better?
For me, main question is: How does She change his life? she beats with him or makes a crazy deal? or maybe she proposes him robbing a bank. This logline needs a little teaser about genre and of course you should close it in 160 signs. No more.