Penpusher
Posted: 2018-11-19T21:22:26+10:00 In:

A lonely young boy becomes mute after the death of his sister but, with the help of a talking toy fox, he rediscovers his voice and performs in the school play.

A lonely young boy becomes mute after the death of his sister but, with the help of a talking toy fox, he rediscovers his voice and performs in the school play.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Is the death of his sister the story’s EVENT? Is it the inciting incident that starts the adventure?

      I don’t think so. For some reason, I get the feeling that the death of his sister is a backstory event. If that is the case, don’t put it in the logline.

      Moreover, if that is the case, you are also left with only a CHARACTER: a mute boy. No EVENT and no ACTION.

      Performing in the school play is not an ACTION, but a goal. The ACTION is what the boy needs to do in order to rediscover his voice. (Actually, rediscovering his voice is probably the real goal.)

      For example:

        1. A grieving MUTE BOY sees an audition poster for a school play. He wishes he had his voice back, in order to perform and enchant the audience. (He is also grieving for his dead sister -that’s his backstory wound.)
        2. [Some EVENT] happens, that swings the boy off-balance. For example: he goes to audition for a mute part, but he gets bullied by classmates; he trips off the stage and hits his head, falls down the rabbit hole, and ends up in the Land of Oz.
        3. In the New World, the Mute boy meets magical talking fox. The fox tells him that he needs to [perform ACTION] in order to retrieve his voice. (For example, he needs to climb to Mt. Everest,in order to find his voice frozen in the show, or whatever.

      And you take it from there, I guess. I hope I helped.

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      Don’t tell us the end of the story in the logline.

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      I really like the premise for this film. Emotionally it’s very strong BUT as the others have pointed out it’s difficult to know exactly what’s going on in the film. Rediscovering his voice is the goal but there needs to be a visual way of showing this journey and that needs to come across in the logline.?giannisggeorgiou’s suggestion of?exploring another world and giving the boy a quest to locate his missing voice is great! But if you wanted to make the story more grounded you’ll need to find something that represents his emotional journey to find his voice – this journey is also his quest to get over the loss of his sister… maybe he finds his sister’s diary and in there she talks about something she buried for him to find?

      Whilst the school play provides a great emotional moment at the end of the film, it needs to be more tied into the story for the maximum effect. Maybe the sister was dying of cancer and she loved hearing her little brother sing to her while she was in hospital? Make it so that moment is more than just him finding his voice. It has to be believable too – why would he be in the school play if he was mute?

      Keep going with this, to me it’s a great holiday film for this time of year. Just need to tie some of the elements together and make it as visual as possible.

      Hope this helps.?

      • 0