Penpusher
Posted: 2017-09-26T15:29:37+10:00 In:

A lost orphan, hunted by brutal and corrupt miners, sets out on a thrilling adventure across the Australian desert in search of her new home.

A lost orphan, hunted by brutal and corrupt miners, sets out on a thrilling adventure across the Australian desert in search of her new home.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      Why is a lost orphan a threat to miners? If all she wants to do is settle down into a new home then why wouldn’t the miners let her just do that and then be done with her altogether?

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Foxtrot25.

      The cause and effect are unclear here. What event starts the story? What’s her inciting incident?

      Secondly, and this is more of a pet peeve of mine, over used adjectives don’t work well in a logline. The word “…thrilling…” indicates a need to pass the premise as more dramatic than what it is – it’s best to let the reader understand how the adventure will be thrilling by use of compelling goals and actions rather than literally spelling it out for them.

      Lastly, what does new home mean? IS it a new adopting parents? An actual house in the outback? A new community to be a part of? how will the viewer see the MC achieving this goal in the end?

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    3. Samurai

      There’s too many non-sequiturs.

      I don’t understand why the miners would be hunting the orphan. What has she done? Why do the miners pursue her across the desert? Why does she have to go across the desert? (OK, to get to the new home … but it’s not clear why that home is across the desert). How did this orphan, who is lost, manage to tee up a new home, across the desert?

      I think some of this needs to be made clearer on the next logline.

      Also, like Nir said — what happened that set THESE pieces in play?

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