Logliner
Posted: 2018-08-03T18:04:19+10:00 In:

After his future self moves in and starts dating his girlfriend, a once complacent vacuum salesman struggles against fate to prevent the hell he?s living from setting in stone

After his future self moves in and starts dating his girlfriend, a once complacent vacuum salesman struggles against fate to prevent the hell he?s living from setting in stone
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    4 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Give us more specifics. What about his current life is so bad? How does he plan on making it better? How does it get worse? What does the man learn? What’s his arc? We need a characteristic to understand his actions.

      Film is a visual medium so the logline needs to place the visuals clearly in the reader’s head. Think about what the audience will actually see on screen. Imagine someone “intending to better his life”… intentions are not visual – what does he actually do to try and better his life? “Only makes it worse”… you’re telling me what’s happened but I can’t visualise how it’s happened.

      There’s also some ambiguity as to who is the protagonist – present man or future man. It seems that future man is the one with the goal but the inciting incident starts with present man. Pick one and write it from their perspective.

      Hope this helps.

      • 0
    2. Best Answer
      Logliner

      “How” does he encounter his future self? What is the “it” he makes worse? His life in general? What is the specific worse that happens?

      Take into consideration this is my first review. 😀

      • 0
    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      When you use the word ‘encounter, it makes it seem random. You are walking down the street and encounter your neighbor.

      ‘Then you say ‘intending to better his life’ which makes it seem like he purposely meets his future self.

      The question is, is it a random encounter or is meeting his future self a planned event,

      • 0
    4. Best Answer
      Singularity

      “Figure out how to break the cycle” is the end — what is the means?? What is the specific action he takes to break the cycle?

      And so what?? IOW: What’s at stake?? What does the present man stand to lose if his future self? succeeds in returning to the past?? Why does the future self want to return to the past?

      • 0