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paulhan
Posted: March 21, 20132013-03-21T10:21:51+10:00 2013-03-21T10:21:51+10:00In: Student Loglines

A mentally troubled banker from Chicago finds himself hard to go by everyday due to his traumatic past, he manages the people who made him who he is now which leads him into a plot to sabotage there financial lives and turn his without being notice by the bank, the victim and overcoming his own greed.

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    8 Reviews

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    1. gabbatron
      2013-03-21T11:06:05+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 11:06 am

      OH well the logline made it seem to me that he is now managing the people who ‘made him’ which mean that he wouldn’t be that good without them, so the way you worded it makes him seem evil

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    2. Berna Fanny Jones
      2013-03-21T10:50:00+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 10:50 am

      bit too long maybe make it a little shorter, other than that it’s pretty good.

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    3. paulhan
      2013-03-21T10:45:37+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 10:45 am

      his basically stealing little amount of money from the people who tormented him when he was younger, but seeing his own wealth grow he starts to steal from others. from the story where the guy stole 5 cents from every bank account

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    4. gabbatron
      2013-03-21T10:42:27+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 10:42 am

      I think you can get rid of the word ‘ mentally’, because the point is clear if it’s ‘ a troubled banker’., especially you mention his traumatic past.
      Also, he ‘finds it hard to get by’ rather than ‘finds himself hard to go by’, or even ‘ struggles to get by’. And ‘he manages the people who made him, which leads’ would suffice, and he sabotages ‘ their finances’ not ‘ there financial lives’. And what do you mean by ‘turn his without being noticed’?, keeping that sentence it should be ‘ and turns his without being noticed by the bank’
      Who’s the victim? and he’s doing it without overcoming his own greed? or is his plan to over come his own greed? I’m confused
      So I think it should be ‘ A troubled Chicago banker who struggles to get by every day due to his traumatic past, manages the people who made him, which leads him to sabotage their finances and turn his without being noticed by the bank, the victim, and overcoming his own greed’

      but i still have very little idea about the what’s happening to the bank, who the victim is, and what’s going on with his greed.

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    5. paulhan
      2013-03-21T10:42:08+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 10:42 am

      bring the people down that did bad too him, good feedback

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    6. Tim Way
      2013-03-21T10:35:37+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 10:35 am

      good story but the logline is really 2 sentences because its so long. It sounds like he is the protagonist as he is the one that wants to bring everyone down. Was that done on purpose, or is he bringing down the people that have done something bad to him in the past?

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    7. efajilan
      2013-03-21T10:30:21+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 10:30 am

      Good story! But I think it’s a little too long.

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    8. ktramsay2
      2013-03-21T10:28:09+10:00Added an answer on March 21, 2013 at 10:28 am

      A little bit too much detail about the characters and not enough about the plot.

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