Penpusher
Posted: 2019-10-31T00:17:51+10:00 In:

A mysterious Dark Planet, a troubled Test Pilot lost at the far side of the Galaxy overcoming the vast obstacles to find his way home to his beloved daughter and wife.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The element in the logline that is the strongest candidate for a story hook is the mysterious dark planet.? And it seems to be the obstacle that he must overcome to get back to planet earth.? However, we have no idea what is so mysterious about the planet that it impedes his return;? the mystery is effectively wrapped in more mystery..

      The logline shouldn’t reveal all, of course, but we need some sense of the problem , the dramatic gimmick, that keeps him from making the jump to hyperspace and home.

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    2. Singularity

      Good point DPG. Once the stakes are made clear, the subsequent conflict will form a hook.

      Also, wouldn’t it be an astronaut that gets stranded on a planet? A test pilot implies that he flew a jet within Earth’s atmosphere, but being an astronaut means he flew to outer space.

      Lastly, wording and structure are very important in a logline. In this case, the first and second clauses are not connected. Perhaps change it around so his being stranded on the planet is clearly the inciting event. For example: After being stranded on a dark planet, a troubled astronaut must…

       

       

       

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    3. Penpusher

      While mysterious, dark planet is engaging to the imagination as an image, I would guess that the planet is not your main character. As Neer said, your two ideas there are not connected well enough at the moment, but also they don’t connect our hero “a troubled test pilot,” to the mysterious dark planet.
      Are the vast obstacles connected to the mysterious dark planet as well? Seems like they would be. I’d definitely change this to astronaut and think about using what is now your second clause as your first. So that it reads, “A troubled astronaut lost at the far side of the galaxy encounters a mysterious dark planet…”
      This not only places your hero at the center of all of the action but also connects all of these ideas.
      You will still need to clarify a bit more about what makes the planet mysterious and dark.
      Interesting idea though.

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