Penpusher
Posted: 2018-06-20T13:00:54+10:00 In:

A neglected eight-year-old girl comes up with a dangerous idea to try and communicate with her recently deceased mother on Halloween.

A neglected eight-year-old girl comes up with a dangerous idea to try and communicate with her recently deceased mother on Halloween.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      This is my first review, so please forgive any faux pas (and let me know if I’ve made any).

      You can remove some words that don’t help, like “try and” and “comes up with the dangerous idea.”

      Maybe, “A neglected eight-year-old girl risks it all to communicate with her dead mother on Halloween.”

      Questions:

      1. Who is neglecting the girl?
      2. Did her mother neglect her??If so, why would the girl try to communicate with her mother? If not, is the neglecting person significant to your story?
      3. What’s the significance of her mother being recently deceased??Does that need to be in your logline?
      4. Is the age eight significant, or could you describe her as “a neglected young girl”?
      5. What’s the obstacle? The person neglecting her? The danger? Can you be a bit more specific about what the danger is?

      Grammatical note: “try and” should be “try to.”

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    2. Singularity

      What you have described is the set-up of the story, the story would be what happens when it all goes wrong.

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    3. Uberwriter

      A dangerous idea isn?t filmable. It?s demonstrated in the action of the story.

      What is the outcome of her contacting or trying to contact her Mum.

      This is the logline.

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    4. Uberwriter

      ‘Dangerous’ doesn’t sum up the complications that arise after she tries to talk to her dead mother.
      It’s a great premise which could greatly benefit from the rules section — https://loglines.org/howto/
      Good Luck SteveDoss!!

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    5. Singularity

      After finding herself trapped in the afterlife whilst attempting to contact her deceased mother, a neglected young girl must battle through the land of the dead to find a way back to the living or risk being trapped forever.

      As variable recommended, check out the rules and try and start with the inciting incident, then the goal, then the stakes. My example is a bit wordy and is probably not the story you have in mind but you get the idea.

      I think MarinaM might be asking if her age and whether her mother being recently deceased is significant enough to include in the logline. In my mind, they are only significant if something else in the logline makes them so. If the mother being recently deceased is critical to the girl being able to contact her then include the reason as the ticking clock aspect of the logline e.g. before her mother is lost in the afterlife. With the information above, I think just calling her young could save you a couple of words without losing anything.

      Hope this helps.

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