While training a new intelligent human specie, a scientist discovers their origin to be alien. He must lead an intelligence team to erase them before they emerge as emperors to human-intelligence.
NettleSamurai
While training a new intelligent human specie, a scientist discovers their origin to be alien. He must lead an intelligence team to erase them before they emerge as emperors to human-intelligence.
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Humans are already an “intelligent” specie. It needs be mentioned if dogs started to speak.
another take–
After the rise of “evolved homosapiens” an inquisitive biologist researches the responsible meteor shower, to encounter a bigger mystery……..wait!
1. You need to spell it out in your logline, WHAT MYSTERY DOES HE ENCOUNTER? It cannot be vague
2. What becomes his GOAL as a result of researching that century old meteor shower? WHAT SPECIFIC PROBLEMS arise?
3. Why would the government send a biologist to “contain” an intelligent specie?
Your logline would benefit from “a biologist leading a team of military….” Biologists are intellectuals needed in lab at the time of such an emergency
4. What is your Inciting Incident? Since the evolved specie came into existence a century ago, what forced the biologist to research the meteor shower? WHY NOW?
For this to work you must show what the specific threat?is to the human race.
Just because the new race may end up smarter than us isn’t exactly a threat, after all, if they are smarter, maybe they will fix the planet, it could be a good thing.
If the new species has the potential to emerge as the dominant species, it seems to me they sure as heck don’t need training from? an inferior species like us. Rather, we need to be trained by them.
A logline should raise one and only question in the mind of a reader:? will the protagonist achieve his objective goal?? But this logline pre-empts that question with the introductory phrase? “While training a new intelligent human specie”.
WTF?
Where/how did this new species come to be?? Until I have the answer to that question my mind can’t move on to focus on the rest of the logline and the only question a logline should raise.
It seems you have at least two films here:? 1] the origin story of the? ultra-intelligent species; 2] The inter-species war that results.? ?IOW:? a hairless ape version of the? “The Planet of the Apes” franchise.
fwiw
I’m confused as to what this story is about?
‘While training a new intelligent human specie(s)’ … what do you mean, a new intelligent human species? Is this like, mutants or something? Like, the X-Men or the creature from Splice … the next evolutionary step for humans? And the idea that they’re being trained makes me think they’re lab-grown. Is that right?
BUT … immediately we learn that they’re aliens. So why are we describing them as an intelligent human specie(s)? (Specificity would save you word count, and make the logline more efficient).
THEN … this ‘”scientist’s” first response to learning that a whole species of humans he has been training (for what?) are in fact aliens, is to “erase” them? (As in, genocide, right? If we’re talking about a whole species?) This turn of events makes your protagonist, thinly painted as he is, hard to empathise with.
ALSO … there’s no indication, at least in the logline, that would suggest nefarious plans from this intelligent human species that would necessitate that they’re erased? (The ACTION section of your logline seems disconnected, or a non sequitur, from the EVENT section of your logline).
ALSO … how many of them are there. You use the word EMPEROR, which seems quite specific. And it makes me wonder how that fits into it? Like, are there only 7 of them, and they’re each planning on taking over a continent and ruling as god-king emperors? Or do you just mean that they might emerge as a dominant species? But also … that’s vague, and potentially not a threat … because in your logline, they’ve not shown themselves to be a threat? (Be clear with both your protagonist and antagonist’s goals, but also justify them in the logline).
Is this a story about a paranoid scientist massacring a race of human-like aliens?
The use of “intelligence” three times in your logline makes me think you didn’t give this a proof-read and a second draft, which makes me think that any potential script you were to write might be similarly approached, and were I the kind of person who might purchase a script from a writer I could be scared off from wanting to see more of your work at that point.
I think dpg nailed it. The premise is not clear or clean enough to make me engage with your logline the ‘right way’ (hooking me into the protagonist’s plight and wondering if he’s going to succeed or fail in his goal). Instead, my brain has to do somersaults to try and understand what is going on.
The first clause is redundant and should be cut – it doesn’t describe the plot.
The descriptions in the logline as a whole are a bit strange; “…intelligent human specie…”, (humans are an intelligent species), “…a scientist…” (this doesn’t say much about what kind of person he or she is – give us a flaw), “…erase them…” (Who? The aliens? If so, replace ‘them’ with ‘the aliens’).
It’s not immediately clear (and therefore doesn’t work in the logline) what “…emperors to human-intelligence…” means. You need to make everything in the logline read crystal clear to anyone.
Who gave the protagonist the order to train them?
The inciting incident is that the protagonist found superior humans, developed by aliens ( which is the creepy secret ).
What is the new specie’s intention? Do they want to replace the human race or do they want to suppress them to use them as slaves? To prevent that is a good goal, isn’t it?
>>> while training a new intelligent specie… ? ?? means that their development isn’t completed yet, right?
Is the ‘hero’s journey’ to set-up a new or to change program for the training of the specie, to reach the goal not to get replaced or suppressed by them?
I like the premise. It has some potential…? reminds of Village of the Damned? somehow…