Samurai
Posted: 2019-11-14T21:46:49+10:00 In:

A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour ? and set out to prove it.

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    8 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      INTENTION: Trying to start again. A fresh slate.

      OBSTACLE: Their criminal pasts. Surrounded by cops.

      (I suppose they could technically move again. But I think it’s about redemption – they want to do the right thing this time. They don’t want to keep moving.)

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    2. Samurai

      Carved down…

      A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but begin to suspect their cop neighbour is a serial killer.

      I made the cop a serial killer to make it more intense.

      Chopped off “newlywed”.

      Why a cop neighbourhood? Perhaps they’re running from something. Perhaps they need to feel protected? I kept thinking the guy had Irish mob connections and the girl was a former drug mule. Both have a stained history and just want to get on with their lives.

      Perhaps they have a kid on the way?

      NOTE: The original one I put up was this…

      A newlywed couple, both with criminal pasts, try to start again, and move to a cop neighbourhood, but begin to suspect their cop neighbour is kidnapping children.

      I since used the one above.

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    3. Singularity

      So what are the couple going to do about it? They need a goal after they’ve discovered the truth about their neighbour. It’s good that he’s a cop – it somewhat limits the “why don’t they just go to the police” argument.

      Is there such a thing as a “cop neighbourhood”? Do cops all live in the same place? Why not just a “safe neighbourhood”?

      The inciting incident is the discovery about the neighbourhood so I would rewrite it focusing on this event and the goal it sets up.

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    4. Samurai

      I wanted this set in Boston ha.

      Well it’s certainly possible – you get cop families that are close to each other. The same way criminals tend to live near each other.

      I suppose you’re right about the goal. (Though my macro intention/want/need: is to start again. There’s resistance to doing anything at first. They don’t want to get involved.)

      But yeah…

      I’ll try out a more ACTIVE intention.

       

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    5. Samurai

      Okay how about this…

      A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but suspecting their cop neighbour is a serial killer, set out to prove it.

      You’re right about making them more ACTIVE.

      I mean James Stewart and Grace Kelly were actively doing something about it in REAR WINDOW.

      Also – not a fan of the alliteration with mentioning “cop” so many times.

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    6. Samurai

      Okay. I chopped of the other “cop”. We don’t need two.

      I’m keeping the “trying to start again” as opposed to “start again” – for now anyways.

       

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    7. Samurai

      Changed…

      A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour – and set out to prove it.

      I added a more solid inciting incident.

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    8. Samurai

      A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour ? and set out to prove it.?

      I think what’s missing here might be the goal isn’t strong enough.

      Perhaps if their kid went missing instead?

      I mean I think it’s fine but not exactly “wow”.

      I considered putting “reputable” in front of neighbour – but I want to keep it lean.

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