After a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive, a company investigator and his friends come to see that the test have become weaponized automatically and cannot leave the island or it will destroy the planet.
LeviathanSamurai
After a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive, a company investigator and his friends come to see that the test have become weaponized automatically and cannot leave the island or it will destroy the planet.
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1: You should probably change the word ‘pending’ I don’t think the?word works in this context,? at least I have never heard of a person being described as a pending investigator.
2: You say he is investigating “an island that is working on a new form of bionics.” But you don’t tell us how that is a threat. Nor do you tell us how that could be harmful. (Plus it should be a specific person or corporation that is working on the bionics, not the island)
3: Yous say, “He realizes that the real threat is still on the island…” But that is a good thing because he is on the island. That is where he is investigating. This turn of events helps the investigation.
Anyway, good luck with this, the concept seems interesting.
“When a mercenary agency discovers a new form of bionics that will turn their people into supersoldiers, an undercover investigator must infiltrate their island and steal the technology before they use their uber army to take over the world.”
Agree with Richiev’s comments.
You need to give us an inciting incident. Currently, all we have is an investigator going to an island. He’s an investigator… he goes places. You need to tell us why this day/this investigation is different. What specifically happens on this island that turns his life upside down. That’s your inciting incident. In Richiev’s example it’s the discovery of a new form of bionics.
Whatever inciting incident you go with we need a corresponding goal. The current logline has no goal at all. What is he trying to achieve? Steal the tech? Unmask the company to the world? Save the planet?
What is the truth? I feel like you’re burying the hook slightly. The fundamental information that makes this story unique is missing.
Hope this helps.
“After a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive, a company investigator and his friends come to see that the test have become weaponized automatically and cannot leave the island or it will destroy the planet.” (35 words)
The logline is confusing, long, and lacks important elements.
Protagonist: “a company investigator?and his friends” —> What company? There’s no company described in the logline. Or, if he doesn’t work for a specific company, do you mean he investigates companies? Also, his friends? Not coworkers, team? Are they on vacation?
Antagonist: From what I can tell, it’s the island.
Goal: There is no clear goal described in the logline. There is an implied, vague goal to prevent the destruction of the planet. Loglines should describe clear objectives. They want to shutdown the island’s systems. They want to reprogram the island’s systems to not destroy the world, etc.
Inciting incident: “After a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive,” —> How is an island unresponsive? How is an island responsive in the first place? Unresponsive to what? An inciting incident should force the protagonist into the main conflict, to pursue their objective goal. How does this do that? It doesn’t affect him. The inciting incident should specifically affect the protagonist.
Luke Skywalker’s family is killed by the Empire.
John McClane’s wife and coworkers are taken hostage.
Bryan Mills’ daughter is taken.
Tony Stark is kidnapped by terrorists and forced to build weapons. —> These are all events which personally affect the protagonist.
How does an island being unresponsive affect the protagonist?
If the story is about an investigation, then the inciting incident should describe the moment the protagonist is forced to decide to take the case.?
This is unclear and very hard to understand.
How could an Island be responsive in the first place, if it’s a very large inanimate object?
What has become weaponized? And what does weaponized mean? Nuclear? Biological? Chemical?
Is the company investigator the MC? If so, what is he investigating and why? What company does the investigator work for? Apple? Nike? A secret organization that experiments on whole Islands at a time?
Is the goal to stop the weaponized something? Or, is it to make the island responsive again (whatever that means)?
Clarity is key in a logline… and you should always describe a goal.
Check out the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar to learn more about logline basics.