Mentor
Posted: 2019-01-25T19:38:34+10:00 In:

A Psychic P.I. must enter his own mind to regain control of his body, before a vindictive former client who?s infecting his consciousness finds and kills his sister.

Inner Demons

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    4 Reviews

    1. Mentor

      A leaner version of one Inhave worked on.

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    2. Singularity

      So he’s a psychic PI… is the client psychic too? If not, how is the client infecting his consciousness? And how does that cause him to lose control of his body? Why does the client want to kill his sister? It seems like quite an extreme reaction without any apparent (in the logline at least) causal effect. How does the psychic PI enter his own mind? Surely that’s just him thinking?

      I appreciate that’s a lot of questions but I’m struggling to understand a few fundamentals about the plot.

      The inciting incident is currently a bit vague. What is the event that flips the protagonist’s world upside down? It should be something like “When a vindictive former client threatens to kill his sister…”. This would correlate with the goal of protecting his sister. As it currently stands though I feel like the goal is simply to regain control of his body. I imagine that’s not the climax to you though.

      I feel like you may need to strip this back and think what information is required for us to understand a) the world this is set in, ?b) the characters and c) the story.

      I do like the whole Inception journey inside the head thing but I feel like it’s a bit gimmicky at the moment and needs to tie in to the world and the story a little better. This is the hook but for the most part the story works without it. It needs to be essential.

      Hope this helps.

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    3. Singularity

      In theory, this is a great premise. a serial killer who enters other peoples minds, forcing them to kill, thus there is no evidence that points to him being the killer.

      Perhaps the psychic PI is hired to investigate one of the deaths. Even though the murder is an open and shut case, his client is sure the person who committed the crime is innocent.

      Now the PI gets to close and begins to realize what is going on, so the killer turns his/her attention to the lead character.
      The killer will take over the PI’s mind and force the lead character to kill his sister. In doing so he will discredit the PI who is getting too close.

      Now it is a battle of wills. The Psychic PI vs the Psychic killer, as they battle for control of the PI’s body.

      I think this is a solid premise.

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    4. Singularity

      The basic premise isn’t clear for the first time reader – I haven’t read any other versions of this concept.

      Here is what I got just now:
      The MC is a psychic P.I – I’m not sure what a psychic P.I actually means. Does he use his powers to investigate cases? Does he only investigate cases related to people with psychic powers?

      He needs to enter his own mind… Now this statement really threw me, the assumption is that a person is already in his own mind, how then does one enter that which he is already inside?
      Perhaps, if the inciting incident was that another psychic took over his mind, he would now have to fight for control over it, but that wasn’t in the logline.

      How can someone else infect a person’s consciousness? They could infect their mind or body, but consciousness is a state of being, it doesn’t make much sens that it can be infected. Also, infected how? How does this infection manifest itself? This may seem nit picky, but if you’re dealing with psychic powers, mind control and consciousness, you really need to get the terminology correct and logical so it makes sense across the board.

      The sister is only mentioned last, how does she play into this? It feels like she was tacked on at the end to add a personal stake more than having been an integral part of the story.

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