Logliner
Posted: 2020-02-18T10:15:59+10:00 In:

A reckless, arrogant young Jewish hospital messenger rescues his relatives from the liquidation of the ghetto and becomes the last leader of the Warsaw ghetto uprising.

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    8 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      Hi,?English is not my native language so I apologize for the mistakes. This is the first version of the logline I’m working on for the war hero script. I will be very grateful for your suggestions

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    2. Logliner

      Hi Nicolas – Not bad for a non-native speaker! Have you checked the section that explains how to write loglines? I would add an Inciting Incident to the logline.

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    3. Samurai

      “The reckless display of saving his Jewish relatives sees an arrogant hospital messenger fill the shoes of a late leader during the Warsaw ghetto uprising.”

      This is a simplified version you can work around. I reduced the protagonist’s description to an ‘arrogant hospital messenger.’ I feel this needs work because I’m not sure if the protagonist’s profession is all that relevant to the overarching plot. The protagonist’s arrogance on the other hand is a telling character trait to explore.

      Hope this helps.

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    4. Samurai

      Hi Nicolas,

      I like your premise – it being the 75th anniversary of the Aushwitz-Birkenau liberation also makes it topical (although there will be additional upcomin anniversaries that resonate). ?I agree with others – an inciting incident and a simplification of the logline are needed. ?Here are my thoughts:

      • I have no idea what a hospital messenger is – could you make him a doctor, dentist, surgeon? ?Increasing his skill set and importance could add depth.
      • Consider changing the protagonist to a woman? ?She could be a doctor, or more likely a nurse in those days?
      • The I.I. could be when the protagonist learns of the date the ghetto will be liquidated? ?Maybe they are the only one allowed in and out to complete certain tasks or they befriended a soldier? ?This could give you an inciting incident, stakes, and a deadline to work towards.
      • If the protagonist’s relatives are in the ghetto, is the protagonist also in the ghetto? ?After all they have Jewish blood? ?Or are they undiscovered – this could also add stakes.
      • I’m not sure why reckless and arrogant are used for the protagonist? ?Reckless could potentially put their family in more danger.
      • I’m not sure what significance them being the ‘last’ leader of the ghetto uprising has? ?Can they just be a leader?
      • Do they set out to rescue their relatives, but then lead the whole ghetto?
      • Is this based on a true story?
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    5. Logliner

      Thank you all for the answers, I’m going to work on improving the logline with your comments, I will post the corrected versions soon!

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    6. Singularity

      I am fully aware of the tragic uprising? in the Warsaw ghetto.? Is this based upon or inspired by the exploits of a real life person?

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    7. Singularity

      NicolasJ:

      I thought so.

      MAREK EDELMAN!!!

      AWESOME!!? FANTASTIC!!!

      I’ve read about his historic struggle in the Warsaw ghetto.? The awful life-and-death decisions he had to make.? I am aware there’s? a documentary about him.? I’ve long wondered why there has never been a movie.

      MAREK EDELMAN!!!

      Yes, yes, you must tell his story.

      The logline should indicate that the story is “based upon” or “inspired by” a real historical person.? In fact, you can name him in the logline? — the singular exception to the rule that a logline should not have a proper name for the protagonist.

      Drop the genre tag of “War” because a war story can be fictional. I suggest tagging it as a “biography” genre to clearly signal it really happened.? You’re not making this up.

      As for interweaving two story lines, I don’t know.? Check out “The Imitation Game”, about as well done an interweaving of two story lines of two periods in the protagonist’s life as I’ve seen in recent years.

      Whatever choice you make, the Warsaw ghetto story is the most compelling story line, the story hook.? It’s the story that will sell the script, sell tickets. It’s the one, the only one, that needs to be stated in the logline.

      Very best wishes with your writing.? This is a film I want to see.

      regards

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    8. Logliner

      DPG:

      Thank you for such a great answer! I will do as you wrote! Thank you for such words of support and enthusiasm, I also think I need to tell his story, and I have been reaserch to her since August, now it’s time to act. I sit down to write a logline and correct it, I will post next versions with your comments and I hope for further suggestions from you.
      Regards!

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