Title: Whistle While She Works
SteeldownunderPenpusher
A righteous but gullible whistle-blower must obtain evidence her intimidating boss is a murderous monster before he catches on and takes sadistic steps to silence her for good.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
I can only assume that she MUST obtain evidence now that he killed someone close to her… This is your inciting event, and it needs to be front and center in the logline – start with that.
Secondly, what’s the purpose of evidence if not to use in the court of law? Her goal shouldn’t be evidence but the legal implications thereof. Also, the stakes are implied but not stated – “…sadistic steps…” is too vague. Will he kill her? Torture her? Beat her up? Kill her would be best, as it’s the highest stakes.
My try:
After her boss kills her sister, a gullible whistle-blower must obtain evidence to incriminate him and save her own life.
Lastly, a whistle-blower, by definition, is not gullible. Also, gullible, much like its cousin ‘naive’, is not the strongest description as they’re not really flaws. Gullible and naive are generally perceived as positive character traits, not flaws. And naive and gullible characters have been done too many times already, especially female ones.
DON’T GO THERE – LEAVE THAT CAN OF WORMS SHUT THIS IS ABOUT STORY, NO SOCIAL POLITICS.
What other flaws would be more original, and by extension, marketable? Could she be vengeful, selfish, or perhaps a criminal herself?
Last thing is, if you’ve mentioned her boss, why not mention her job? Describe the character using her job and a genuine flaw. This way, her characteristics can be tied into the story’s themes, and the logline will improve.
A righteous but gullible whistle-blower must obtain evidence her intimidating boss is a murderous monster before he catches on and takes sadistic steps to silence her for good.
Hi Steeldownunder. This sounds interesting.
Hmm….
Intention: must obtain evidence boss is a monster (this should be specific. What did he do?)
Obstacle: her boss will silence her.
Also – we don’t need “intimidating” and “murderous”. I think all we need to know is that he’s a monster really.
When she witnesses her boss murder someone, a whistle-blower must obtain evidence before he takes sadistic steps to silence her for good.
How about…
When she witnesses her boss murder someone, a whistle-blower must obtain evidence before he uses his power to silence her for good.
This one – I’m just experimenting. Playing with the idea.
When she witnesses her boss murder someone, a woman must obtain evidence before he uses his clout to ruin her and her family.
(I’m not sure we need whistle-blower because that’s pretty much what she’s doing. I pushed down on the stakes and made it more primal/personal by involving her family. I got rid of “powerful” too because we later learn he has clout anyways.)
Again – sounds cool. I really enjoyed THE INSIDER if you know that one.
Good luck!
Hello Darkhorse, thanks for your insightful feedback. I am going to revise my longline, it seems I have used my intended mid point rather than the inciting incident for my longline. Perhaps this novice realtor discovers her boss’s fancy lifestyle is bankrolled using clients money held in escrow so she hires a lawyer to investigate but he catches on to her and hires a hitman to kill her. I will revisit this concept and come back. I’m a beginner at this. Thanks again. Steeldownunder.
You’re welcome. Looking forward to the next one.
Is this a bit like Disturbia when the protagonist suspects that the person is a killer but has no evidence and no one believes them?
Also, I don’t think the word whistleblower fits in this situation, because alerting people to someone being a murderer is just good sense, not a controversial revealing of corporate corruption.
Unless you’re saying that the protag was a whistleblower in the past, so everyone is salty towards her and no one will believe her suspicions that this guy is a murderer. That would be interesting.
If he is a murderer, and he knows that she’s on to him, then wouldn’t he just kill her straight away. Wouldn’t be a very long film. I don’t understand what the sadistic steps are, other than a plot device to draw out an otherwise short conflict. So I guess, maybe the stakes could be different. Like the protag’s friend or sister is dating him, or something, and she’s worried that he will kill the friend/sister. And no one will believe her suspicions so she has to do the dirty work herself.