A runaway kid in 1920?s Oklahoma transforms vagrancy, drug addiction and mental illness through religion to success in business, but his past overwhelms him.
PamelaOZLogliner
A runaway kid in 1920?s Oklahoma transforms vagrancy, drug addiction and mental illness through religion to success in business, but his past overwhelms him.
Share
I found the logline a little confusing.? I think you mean to say that he transformed his life through religion, but as the words are arranged some might read it as meaning he contracted mental illness through religion.
Also the logline seems to?tip its hand as to how the story will play out: “but his past overwhelms him.”?? A logline should create suspense as to how a story will turn out, but it should never reveal or suggest how it will turn out.? And if “his past overwhelms him”? is merely a late 2nd act reversal of fortune and all will turn out well in the end, the reversal of fortune is a general statement lacking specificity.??? What is there about his past that dooms him?
And it would benefit from more specificity as to the exact nature of his successful business?? Selling cars?? Real estate?? Bootleg gin? (The 1920’s was the era of prohibition.)
Agreed with DPG.
In addition, running away from home is not an inciting incident, rather the event that caused him to runaway would be. What is the starting point of your story? What was it that pushed the MC out of his parents home? This should be specified in the logline.
Ideally the inciting incident would set up his objective need or goal, but in this case it may not happen so best if his goal would at least relate in theme? to the inciting incident. For example if he was beaten by his parents, he could go off and succeed in boxing.
Excellent comments.? Thank you so much.? Yes the through religion is out of place… and needs to be changed..
much work to do.? thanks again.