Heartstopper
A self-centered race car mechanic must infiltrate a large corporate sponsor to learn the truth about her grandfather's death.
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What do you mean by infiltrate? Pose as one of their employees? Or just sneak into the building?
It feels like the link between her being a mechanic and the corporate sponsor having information about her grandfather’s death is a little thin – perhaps providing us with the catalyst for the protagonist’s search in the logline will help to tie the ideas together?
How does the protagonist being self-centered factor into being a source of conflict (either internal or external) when the entire purpose of the quest is to find out what happened to her grandfather? As soon as she begins the journey she has overcome her flaw, right?
A self-centered race car mechanic must infiltrate a large corporate sponsor to learn the truth about her grandfather’s death.
Agreed with Nicholas: what is the relevance of the flaw within the ‘outer journey’?
But my main issue is the lack of stakes. She won’t be able to get grandfather back, whatever the Big Reveal may be. And forgive my crudeness, but that’s what old people do: they die. Why would the audience care? So give us a damn good reason why she would even enter the corporation in the first place.
Until we find out what the Big Mystery is, there really is very little to pull me into this story.
Alfred Hitchcock was right when he said that mystery rarely works on the screen. What you need is suspense. So until your race car mechanic is in danger of her life, this movie won’t work.
I can sense that there is a whole lot more to this story but you’ll need to bring it out and make the logline more specific and more appealing.
Thank you for mentioning Hitchcock. He said that mystery does not generate emotion in an audience. At the end of Act II in my story, the hero figures out that several deaths are collateral damage, not random failures or accidents. She also sees that the villains are quite serious about death to snitches. Perhaps I could start my story at this point. Your help is certainly appreciated.
Hi Mulford sibly,
I found it!
There is nor blood (sure?), nor aliens in your story, but it’s closer to the genre than a historic biopic! And you have yet three readers.
I agree with nicholasandrewhalls and Karel Segers for a lot of things. I think that there is wrong things in your logline but everithing can be fixed (Thanks to Fix-it-Felix!):
For now, what your logline tells us is that you have just a hero, an antagonist and a suggested conflict (we assume the large corporate sponsor don’t want the true to be known).
N.B. : the “large corporate” is a “clich?”. Not need to be large and corporate to do bad things and to be a sponsor. It could be someone like the fan-of-car-races barber round the corner (uh! I admit this one would not be very credible, although he have large razors).
– “self-centered” means “concerned only with herself”. Why does she cares of her dead grandfather?
Would you mean “introverted”? this is a persistant FLAW and it could be in relation with the loss of her grandfather (she witnessed and was traumatized?). If it is, it can explain her inner goal, then her QUEST.
– You should tell exactly what “infiltrate” means
– You must tell or suggest what’s at STAKES: what she needs / what she risks
>>”the hero figures out that several deaths are collateral damage, not random failures or accidents. She also sees that the villains are quite serious about death to snitches.”
– If you start your story at this point (and with what we know about it for now), We’ll think there is not only no Supense, but even no mystery in it.
We’ll be glad to read your revised logline.