Samurai
Posted: 2016-05-31T23:02:58+10:00 In:

A rebellious spy returns to his hometown when “save the Earth”-promoting terrorists take it over for ransom.

Hometown Security

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The logline has possibilities but I suggest it needs fleshing out. ?For example:

      He doesn’t just return. ?He must return — it’s urgent, imperative.

      And he must return to do what? ?What is his objective goal? ?Well, obviously it has something do with rescuing the town. ?What is his game plan. The logline needs to state that explicitly, not implicitly.

      And if it’s a ransom, shouldn’t there also a ticking clock, a deadline (to amp up the tension, make it more urgent)?

      And what are the stakes? ?The or-else if the ransom isn’t paid by the deadline?

      And what is his skin in the game? ?Family,loved ones, whose lives hang in the balance? ?(Which would supply additional motivation for why he MUST return.)

      fwiw

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    2. Singularity

      “When his hometown is captured by terrorists, a rebellious spy infiltrates the enemy’s lines to save his sister who’s trapped by the insurgents.”

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    3. Singularity

      Agreed with DPG.

      Regarding the structure of the logline it ends on the inciting incident, therefore best to change it so it starts with the event that puts the wheels in motion.

      After terrorists hold his home town for ransom…

      In this instance I would suggest specifying one of the terrorists as the antagonist. The most violent one will make for the cliche ‘bad guy’ and if anything help define the action the main character will take.

      Lastly good suggestion by Richieve to mention the sister and raise the personal stakes even more.

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