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Ser0216Penpusher
A tabloid photographer races to uncover a deadly parasitic outbreak before his estranged daughter becomes the next victim.
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That he wants to protect his daughter, estranged or not, during a deadly parasitic outbreak is a given. Furthermore, it does not add any tension to the story because it is not clear why his daughter is at a higher risk than anyone else.
Think about the man’s goal and what stands in his way. “…uncover a deadly parasitic outbreak…” cannot be the goal as a ” parasitic outbreak” is out in the open per definition of outbreak, i.e., an “outbreak” does not need to be uncovered. Either the man wants to cover the outbreak for his tabloid or he wants to uncover the source? of the outbreak. In either case, what keeps him from attaining this goal?
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I agree with yqwertz.
If you’re describing your protagonist as a “tabloid photographer” this should have some bearing on the story. Why does he have to be a tabloid photographer? It might be that it’s not all that relevant to the plot BUT since the only description you’ve given us is this, we have to assume it is. If we are then unable to see the connection or reason for this, the logline feels like it’s lacking.
Currently you have no inciting incident – check out the formula page or, better yet, try out the handy generator that does all the hardwork for you. I’m guessing it’s the moment the outbreak begins so I’m going to comment on that basis. This outbreak is a BIG event but his goal is very small. Something happens on a city-wide scale and his goal is to save one person. There’s nothing wrong with this, per se, but I think the framing of the inciting incident needs to be smaller to match the scale of the goal. Or the goal needs to be bigger. The inciting incident tips the scales in the protagonist’s life and his goal is to correct it so the two events MUST be equal in weight. The world in which the story is set can still be one where there’s a parasitic outbreak BUT the inciting incident would have to be something more personal within that world. In The Day After Tomorrow, the cataclysmic weather events are not the inciting incident, they are merely part of the scenery. The inciting incident is when the protagonist’s son gets trapped in the NY Library. It’s a personal story set within a global event. Compare this to Independence Day – the inciting incident is the discovery that the aliens are going to destroy mankind so the goal is to stop it. The global event IS the story. In yours, make the inciting incident his discovery that the daughter is in the infected zone, or she’s more vulnerable because she’s pregnant, etc, etc. Or change the goal so he has to find a cure (tough when he’s a tabloid photographer).
I also think there needs to be a hook. Something unique that we haven’t seen before. At the moment this story feels very familiar. Is there a way you can make it stand out more?
Hope this helps.
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Un fot?grafo sensacionalista corre para “hacer p?blico” un brote parasitario mortal antes de que su “distante” hija se convierta en la pr?xima v?ctima.
Yo entend? la idea as?. O sea que el fot?grafo quiere hacer p?blico un brote parasitario a?n desconocido para las masas, para que su hija, que vive en otra parte, se entere y logre protegerse. ?Puede ser?