Title: Crab Mentality
Genre: Dramedy
Ray(58), returns to the Philippines on holiday having fled the brutal Marcos regime in his youth. On the ride from the airport he encourages the taxi driver to be his personal driver where he learns about his country during his absence. In this same journey, he decides on a spontaneous visit to his rich boyhood friend, Lorenzo. Upon finding that Ray is involved in the restaurant industry in New York, Lorenzo manipulates him to run one of his many businesses, an ailing Manila restaurant, with an incentive of 50% ownership if it reaches a number 1 TripAdvisor rating. Ray revamps the restaurant and hires new front end staff consisting of nearby catering students where he teaches them the restaurant trade along with his wisdom as a well-travelled elder. In various treacherous ways, Lorenzo interruptss the restaurant’s progression in order not to honor their agreement. But a defiant and savvy Ray, assisted by his young team’s knowledge of social media turn the fortunes of the restaurant to the best in Manila…with its own in-house chauffeur.
The goal of a story doesn’t always have to be about saving the world.
But the goal should always ‘mean the world’ to the lead character.
I like the elements in your logline but why does making his friend’s restaurant number 1 on Trip Advisor ‘mean the world’ to the lead character?
In your story, the lead has a life back home. If he fails it doesn’t matter. As written in your logline and synopsis, there doesn’t seem to be any stakes.
Anyway, it’s a great concept it just seems to be missing a compelling reason for the lead to want to accomplish his goal. I believe adding that one element would improve an already good story.
Many thanks for your feedback. I agree with you. I just don’t want to word it too much. But you are correct regarding the stakes, because there are stakes in this script, so must be worded in the logline, as all loglines need a stake….I’ve given it another bash at it………….
A talented Fil-Am restaurateur visits his country of birth where an unscrupulous boyhood friend dupes him into not being able to return to his life in America, with a challenge, and a promise of co-ownership, to transform his failing Manila restaurant to number one on TripAdvisor.
My amended one paragraph synopsis of Crab Mentality :
Ray(58), returns to the Philippines on holiday having fled the brutal Marcos regime in his youth. On the ride from the airport he encourages the taxi driver to be his personal driver where he learns about his country during his absence. In this same journey, he decides on a spontaneous visit to his rich boyhood friend, Lorenzo. Upon finding that Ray is involved in the restaurant industry in New York, Lorenzo manipulates him to believe that he is unable to return to his life in America and challenges him to run one of his many businesses, an ailing Manila restaurant, with an incentive of 50% ownership if it reaches a number 1 TripAdvisor rating. Ray revamps the restaurant and hires new front end staff consisting of nearby catering students where he teaches them the restaurant trade along with his wisdom as a well-travelled elder. In various treacherous ways, Lorenzo interrupts the restaurant’s progression in order not to honor their agreement. But a defiant and savvy Ray, assisted by his young team’s knowledge of social media turn the fortunes of the restaurant to the best in Manila…with its own in-house chauffeur.
I really like the idea. You are bringing us into a world. I think that is great. Plus adding the stakes about not being able to return home helps.
Apologies Richiev, the logline about an Embassy Gardener was from another script.
Here is another stab of the current logline…
An experienced Fil-Am restaurateur struggles with sabotage and social media when an unscrupulous boyhood friend challenges him, with a promise of co-ownership, to transform an ailing Manila restaurant into number 1 on TripAdvisor.
I had another stab of it…
A morally-challenged embassy gardener plans and spearheads the ransom of his heist of foreign passports to a corrupt Ambassador, while attempting to outsmart his security posse in order to fund his talented granddaughters’ education.
My two cents:
As a reader, I had to Google “Fil-Am” and to futureproof your premise, maybe use “… restaurant into a top 10 culinary destination” instead of TripAdvisor.