Penpusher
Posted: 2013-03-15T13:14:41+10:00

A tortured former artist, now a compassionate young counselor, has dedicated his life to helping other misfortunate souls. As the troubles of a difficult past continues to cause harm, another life he struggles harder to save is just as important to him as his own?

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    7 Reviews

    1. Heysa Tracy_J.

      “A tortured former artist…” & “…the troubles of his difficult past…” read identical.

      How about:

      “Haunted by a difficult past as a failed artist, a compassionate counselor struggles harder to save his own life when a patient needs him more than himself.”

      The other life he is trying to save is important and should be the main feature as it feels like this is where a majority of act 2 will be and carrying your story.

      Hope this helps. 😀

      Tor

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    2. Penpusher

      Thanks, Tor. I have been reviewing and rewriting that line forever and I am still not hitting the mark with it. I suppose i am trying to be as specific as I can without giving too much away because I am still thinking in novel writing terms. I will work on this more. Thank you.

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    3. Penpusher

      Rewrite: A tortured former artist, now a compassionate young crisis counselor, struggles to save another?s life from alcohol abuse in the wake of facing his own past as a victim of sexual abuse.

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    4. Singularity

      How about this?

      “When a compassionate councilors past catches up with him, he finds in order to save an out-of-control teens life he first must save his own.”

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    5. Penpusher

      I just want to say thanks to everyone for your feedback and suggestions. I truly appreciate what each of you had to say. I also want to mention that in the process of writing my loglines I try to use the best possible words to describe exactly who and what the story is about in the shortest of terms. 25 words or less? (Whew). I?m working on it. All of my screenplay projects are based on my own novels of the same name, so I have a lot to work through to get the loglines just right. Thanks again.

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    6. Penpusher

      “A tortured former artist turned crisis counselor, struggles to save another?s life from alcoholism in the wake of facing his own past of sexual abuse.” (25 words!)

      Not sure how this version would stand as a hook,? but it at least makes it clear who the main characters are, what they are about, and what stands in their way.

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    7. The new attempt is much better and on the right track, with a hook it would be spot on..

      Happy writing 😀

      Tor

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