After being invited to a father daughter picnic by a Dean of a prestigious University, a sleazy community college professor extorts a struggling older student to impersonate a Dr. so he can reconnect with his estranged daughter by convincing her that he has cancer.

Why would his boss entrust his daughter’s safety to a janitor just because he’s tough looking? He might be a cheapskate but surely his daughter is worth more than that? How is a janitor supposed to be able to protect someone from a hitman when, based on the logline, he has no training, he’s not necessarily clever, or strong, or fast. He simply looks tough. We need to believe he has a chance in succeeding.?

What’s the inciting incident? Accepting overtime? Getting roped into protecting the daughter? I don’t understand why the janitor would put his life on the line to protect a girl just for some easy cash… surely there are better ways?

Why is the hitman targeting the daughter? By trying to keep it a secret from her you’re potentially missing out on a huge chunk of conflict between the protagonist, the daughter, and the father so why must she never learn? Easier to keep someone safe when they know they’re in danger I would imagine. Surely, as soon as the first attempt fails, she’ll know though? Unless you have other ideas?

>>> saving money for his mother’s operation
This is something that’s a passing comment: “I need the cash to pay for Mom’s operation” but it holds no bearing on the rest of the story. As a motivator, keeping someone alive (and yourself while you’re at it I assume) is a much more powerful motive for moving through the story. I feel like this is just a lengthy way of saying he’s a good guy – the cliched “tough guy with a heart of gold”. I feel like that should be part of the inciting incident but I don’t think anyone’s gonna care too much about his mother when the bullets start flying. Plus the inciting incident should be more connected to the rest of the story e.g. “After saving his boss’s daughter’s life…”

Hope this helps.

This new version is an interesting direction for the story. Who’s the protagonist though? If it’s the professor, how is the audience going to connect with someone who is “sleazy”? Why is he sleazy? I kinda want the protagonist to be the struggling student. He’s got a more interesting part to play. The professor can offer him better grades if he does this for him so there’s a nice moral dilemma plus a potential romantic connection with the daughter? The professor, to me, sounds like a bit of an idiot. I want him to be the antagonist who ends up being learning from the student to not be such a dick. Admittedly though, the professor clearly has a bigger arc in this story. Perhaps the student takes a bit of a Forrest Gump / Chance (from Being There) role – a bit of a fool who ends up being the smartest guy in the room (see Blake Snyder’s “Fool Triumphant” in Save the Cat!).

What does the Dean of the prestigious university have to do with it? Just saying “father/daughter picnic” works just as well. Why is the host of this picnic relevant to the story? Can you think of a stronger inciting incident?

At 44 words this is too long. It can easily be trimmed though. Just focus on what’s relevant to the story and cut the rest.