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A veteran alcoholic detective enlists the help of a young inexperienced psychiatrist to catch a serial killer who is targeting the parents of abused children before the killer discovers the detective's dark family secret.
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How did the detective stumble upon the case of the serial killer? What set him off on his “adventure” so to speak? I think the logline needs an inciting incident, an event that triggers the detective’s search for the killer, to clear that question up. Did he stumble upon one of the killer’s victims perhaps? Or maybe it’s something completely different. Either way, it’s something to consider.
“before the killer discovers the detective’s dark family secret” is great because it gives the story a ticking clock. The hero/protagonist has to acheive his goal (catch the serial killer) before it is too late. And that also makes the logline more compelling.
Because the wording for the character’s stakes (the secret that he/she doesn’t want to get out) is so vague in the logline, it becomes hard to imagine what consequences would strike the hero, would he fail. And we need to know what’s at stake if the main character fails to really root for the character to win.
Hope any of this helps.
How did the detective stumble upon the case of the serial killer? What set him off on his “adventure” so to speak? I think the logline needs an inciting incident, an event that triggers the detective’s search for the killer, to clear that question up. Did he stumble upon one of the killer’s victims perhaps? Or maybe it’s something completely different. Either way, it’s something to consider.
“before the killer discovers the detective’s dark family secret” is great because it gives the story a ticking clock. The hero/protagonist has to acheive his goal (catch the serial killer) before it is too late. And that also makes the logline more compelling.
Because the wording for the character’s stakes (the secret that he/she doesn’t want to get out) is so vague in the logline, it becomes hard to imagine what consequences would strike the hero, would he fail. And we need to know what’s at stake if the main character fails to really root for the character to win.
Hope any of this helps.
It’s not entirely clear when the story begins and therefor its hard to see the trajectory of the character. If the inciting incident is the MC hiring the psychiatrist then this is not an event out of the ordinary that was done to him out of his control, which is what a good inciting incident should be.
What is his normal day to day life like? Take that answer and then design an event that could change his day to day significantly and force him to take action.
Also the idea that the detective’s parents were abusive to him is confusing as he is now trying to protect them after they beat him. If your trying to deal with the notion of parent child bond and forgiveness it may serve the logline better to leave this out as this is relates to theme and can be elaborated on in the treatment.
My try:
When an alcoholic detective’s parents are threatened by a serial killer he enlists the help of an ambitious psychiatrist to catch the killer.
Hope this helps.
It’s not entirely clear when the story begins and therefor its hard to see the trajectory of the character. If the inciting incident is the MC hiring the psychiatrist then this is not an event out of the ordinary that was done to him out of his control, which is what a good inciting incident should be.
What is his normal day to day life like? Take that answer and then design an event that could change his day to day significantly and force him to take action.
Also the idea that the detective’s parents were abusive to him is confusing as he is now trying to protect them after they beat him. If your trying to deal with the notion of parent child bond and forgiveness it may serve the logline better to leave this out as this is relates to theme and can be elaborated on in the treatment.
My try:
When an alcoholic detective’s parents are threatened by a serial killer he enlists the help of an ambitious psychiatrist to catch the killer.
Hope this helps.
What if the detective’s dark family secret is that he is a child abuser? After all, he’s a drunk. The logline leaves unclear as to whether he is the victim or the victimizer. If the latter, then on 2 counts he’s not the kind of MC an audience would root for.
Either way, the serial killer comes off as some kind of a hero, even if he’s meeting out “street justice”.
What if the detective’s dark family secret is that he is a child abuser? After all, he’s a drunk. The logline leaves unclear as to whether he is the victim or the victimizer. If the latter, then on 2 counts he’s not the kind of MC an audience would root for.
Either way, the serial killer comes off as some kind of a hero, even if he’s meeting out “street justice”.
I’d say the logline is fairly explicit that the MC is a child abuser … he has to find a killer who targets child abusers before the killer finds out the MC’s secret? Surely that’s the insinuation – that the MC is a child abuser and he’ll become the next target? Otherwise the danger is that the killer will kill his abusive parents … and we as an audience are FAR less concerned with saving the lives of abusive parents.
Totally agree with dpg … I think if you reveal that your MC is a child abuser, it doesn’t really matter how far into the story I find out, I lose all empathy for him and don’t want to see him complete his goal, and don’t want to see the end of the movie.
I’d say the logline is fairly explicit that the MC is a child abuser … he has to find a killer who targets child abusers before the killer finds out the MC’s secret? Surely that’s the insinuation – that the MC is a child abuser and he’ll become the next target? Otherwise the danger is that the killer will kill his abusive parents … and we as an audience are FAR less concerned with saving the lives of abusive parents.
Totally agree with dpg … I think if you reveal that your MC is a child abuser, it doesn’t really matter how far into the story I find out, I lose all empathy for him and don’t want to see him complete his goal, and don’t want to see the end of the movie.