Penpusher
Posted: 2016-09-07T12:52:04+10:00 In:

A white racist has a week to find & then bring her deceased grandfather’s secret black family to attend the reading of the will.

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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      In the last draft of the logline the stakes seem skewed – if she fails to achieve her goal a good thing happens.

      So society as a whole stands to gain if she fails, as money goes to charity. More to the point, her goal is utterly superficial and selfish – she’s trying to prevent money from going to charity, and put it in to her own pocket. We want her to fail,? and she’s a white supremacist to boot!
      Why, oh why, would the audience give her the time of day, or night, and care about her story – she’s not an anti hero, she’s outright unlikable.

      Best to change her goal and motivation, she can be a racist but her reasons for change and motivation to take action need to relate to her flaw, be personal and not superficial.

      What if the inciting incident is her discovery that she has a black half brother. Then she sets out to dispel him as family, but finds he is actually a great guy, who just so happen to be poverty stricken and destitute. They develop a sibling relationship and she changes her racist opinions as a result – make it about the human experience as appose to about money.

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    2. Singularity

      You haven’t given us the ‘or else’.

      She has a week to find her grandfather’s secret black family to attend the will reading… ‘or else’ this bad thing will happen.

      If there is no ‘or else’ the lead character will just refuse to do it.

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      While it may seem obvious, best to mention the inciting incident – death of the father.

      After her father dies a white racist must?

      Same with the goal, I presume you mean as a condition of getting the inheritance, if so mention it.?This?relates to Richiev’s comment, why MUST she? What is the causal connection between the inciting incident and goal?

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    4. Singularity

      A potentially good story, but as Richiev said, the logline needs an “or else”. ?What’s ?at stake for the racist that she must find this family? ?Being a racist, she can’t be looking for them out of the goodness of her heart so what’s her motive? What’s in it for her? ?What does she stand to gain if she succeeds, lose if she fails?

      • 0

    5. Upon learning of her late grandfathers secret, black son, a racist white woman has to bring the son to the will reading, which requires both of their attendance or the entire estate is donated to charity.

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