2011 Page Awards Judges Notes:
You have created a deeply sympathetic protagonist. Your emphasis on ‘the system’ of government childcare, and the world it encompasses of damaged children searching for safety and love, is a fascinating backdrop for the story.
Thematically, you use that to point out that some people survive the experience and are stronger for it, like Corey, while others are so damaged as to be irreparable, like George.
It really gives the script some dramatic punch that makes it stand out.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for posting your logline here. And congrats on those notes.
The logline is written very much from the POV of the serial killer. “With a troubled past” is a little weak for the main character. We need to know more about her age/appearance/function/flaw etc. Perhaps we need some detail about the past.
But most importantly, what is the woman’s strength?
Her being contacted by the serial killer is the Inciting Incident, which only gives us a very small part of the story and not enough to have a good idea of what sort of story it is going to be. What happens in most of the story?
The notes mention the background of childcare. If this is essential to the story, can you work it into the logline?
Hi Kevin, looks like your script is headed in a great direction! – Great notes & feedback – For your logline however, I might suggest clarifying a bit – Help us understand their connection – Is she totally in the dark as to whom this is? –
Are these random contacts in person? (Family member, her shrink, friend)or notes, phone calls etc?
Not to reveal the identity of the antagonist, but maybe let a bit more of his or her motivation shine through. Again, the “how” of being contacted – Is she on the run? Is she a target, a muse…
Just some thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Kevin.
From your logline it appears as if the woman lacks a clearly defined goal all be it a serial killer is contacting her, which indeed is a scary notion. But is he “coming” for her? Will she stop him? Will she put up a fight to stay alive? Etc.
Secondly who/what is she? This goes back to previous comments given but; how does this help her achieve the goal? Then we will know what the story is going to be about.
Lastly, and I hate to repeat again previous well-written comments, but; does she know this is in fact a serial killer contacting her? If so may be a good thing to infer how. Perhaps her past has come back to haunt her or the killer has come for her again after a previous failed attempt. Other wise there is not much of a reason for her to be fearful and the log line won’t indicate a potential for tension. As most sociopaths/serial killers are quite charming until end of act 2 or in real life a “chance” encounter in a dark alley.
Hope this helps, Nir.
Interesting logline.
I echo some of the other comments. If I were to go watch the film, I’d like to know more about her troubled past, it’s too vague and the relevancy in this story. Also a clue as to the nature of the ‘darkest secrets’ would add more interesting detail to the logline.
We could also know more about the nature of the battle between these two characters. It feels too generic at the moment with no unique selling point.