Here is an alternative logline:
When a gritty maintenance man searches for the key that will free him from the secret AI lab he is trapped in, he discovers two other survivors, bitter rivals, who hold the key to his escape, deadly secrets and the future of humanity. He must decide which one to trust.
Story: On doomsday, a maintenance man, Kyle, is lucky enough to be at work at the bomb proof AI lab where he works as an electrician. 1.5 years later he discovers other people living in the lab, but he can only communicate with them by audio. One of them is, Dr. Emery, the lead programmer for the AI department and the other is a “woman” named MEG. (later it turns out that Meg is the AI that the programmer made) MEG is actually the cause of WWIII, but it has grown to regret it’s decision to wipe out humanity and has made another baby AI, HOPE, to take it’s place. HOPE is not prejudiced by all of the black vs. white war games Meg had to endure. MEG’s intention is to help humanity rebuild. Dr. Emery wants to destroy the Meg. Meg and Dr. Emery both try to manipulate Kyle to their ends. He must make a decision which one he will help. BTW his internal arc is that he could not save his daughter in the blast and views himself as a failure as a parent and avoids all responsibility.
Any feedback greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Interesting, here is my feedback based on your elaborations:
– Label your protag as an electrician, not a maintenance man – this will make it more believable as a maintenance man would probably know every inch and not miss others for 1.5 years, also its easier to envision an electrician in a secrete AI lab, rather than a blue color maintenance man.
– BTW I like the idea of him using his electrical prowess to MacGyver an audio connection to others.
– The DR’s side is easy – kill the program that caused WWIII but think about how Meg grew to regret her actions and made Hope to atone, that maybe your twist that compels the electrician to choose her side.
“Set in a post-apocalyptic world controlled by AI, a surviving electrician must choose between the AI creator and the remorseful AI destroyer to save the future of humanity”
Take care.
Wow, thanks Odie! This is super helpful.
Interesting suggestions by Odie, but if you go with that angle…
What difference does it make which AI he trusts? If the AI’s are both smarter and more powerful than he is (which seems to be the case), why do they need him at all, for anything?
He’s only worth manipulating if he’s got something the two AI’s don’t have but must have in order to prevail. What unique capacity or knowledge does he have but they don’t that would make him the pivotal character who can tip the balance in the power struggle?
Hi dpg,
I think your question was probably rhetorical but I wrote out my answer and this helped me a lot. Thank you!
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Both MEG (an AI) and Dr. Emery (the programmer who created MEG) need Kyle’s help to further their goals.
MEG needs Kyle’s help to be a role model for HOPE (the baby AI) – he will provide a moral framework for HOPE’s interactions with humanity. (Something that MEG did not have) In this sense Kyle has the moral compass necessary to raise a healthy child.
Dr. Emery needs Kyle’s help to escape in from the sub level she is trapped in by the AI. Kyle has the technical skills and the physical ability to trek to sub level F and engage the manual override that will free Dr. Emery.
Dr. Emery wants to destroy MEG (and HOPE). MEG wants to keep Dr. Emery trapped in the sub level.
Another thing I would point out is that people can only read the words of the logline; they can’t read what you are thinking in your head.
The revised logline says the electrician is in the AI lab where he encounters “two survivors”. It doesn’t *specifically* say the two survivors are AI’s. It may be clear to YOU, the author, that the two survivors are AI’s, but it was not immediately clear to me. I only figured it out by reading your additional notes.
That the electrician is dealing with two AI’s is your primary plot gimmick, the story hook. The logline needs to clearly state that critical information.
fwiw
Hola! definitivamente me siento más cómodo con el segundo logline. En el primero no me quedaba claro la rivalidad de los sobrevivientes, que se aclara un poco, en el segundo. Dudas: por qué es valiente? por qué está atrapado? por qué tienen el futuro de la humanidad? Si no hacen al logline , quitaría esas pistas. “Un hombre atrapado en un laboratorio sobrevive al Juicio Final; al tratar de salir descubre a otros dos sobrevivientes, enemigos entre sí. Deberá elegir en cual confiar, para salvar su vida.”