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ValentinaLMPenpusher
A young black man accidentally travels to the past. He is decided to save his great-grandmother, a slave, with the help of her owner’s son
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I do like how the stakes are pretty clear without you having to specify them, as the risks of a black man during times of slavery are evident. Just the wording could be clearer. Does he travel back in time in order to save his grandfather?
But what is the inciting incident? Does he get stuck in the past? Is he on the run from someone who is trying to enslave him?
The setup constitutes an inverse deus ex machina plot gimmick. A regular deus ex machina is a contrived and convenient event that appears out of nowhere to resolve the plot in the last act. An inverse deus ex machina is a contrived and convenient event that comes out of nowhere to boot up the plot in the 1st act.
And having the slave master’s son willing to help is a lucky break. A convenient coincidence. But in a properly worked out plot, the antagonist gets all the lucky breaks, all the convenient coincidences, the protagonist gets none. Zero. Zed. Zip. The good guys (and gals) must earn success the old fashion way.
A logline should describe major obstacles that threaten failure, not lucky breaks, boons, that ensure success.
A plot should be a conspiracy against the protagonist. This one seems to be a conspiracy against the antagonist.
I agree I like the idea you are building but the wording needs work. We’ve got our protagonist, what appears to be an obstacle though the way it’s presented doesn’t feel like a strong call. Build on that, this should be creating a strong mental image for the reader to grab onto. Also, best to keep these at one sentence.
What are the obstacles and/or outcomes. Time travel is always tricky.
Travelling back in time a young black man attempts to save his slave great grandmother but…. forcing him to ….
That sort of thing. I do like the idea.