Logliner
Posted: 2019-10-08T08:33:35+10:00 In:

A young girl taken to an alternative world to be the starchild to save the world by putting on a ring called the starring given by God

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The logline raises more questions than it answers; what is a Starchild? What does being a Starchild entail? How does being a Starchild make her capable of saving the world? What does she need to save the world from? Which God is this? Judeo-Christian? Pagan?

      No need to reply with answers to these questions, the point is that the premise and the characters described in the logline are not clear.

      If the inciting event is her being taken to another world, then the goal would be for her to get back home. However, if you want the goal to be saving the other world, then the inciting event should be putting the other world in danger. Seeing as it’s a different world, home to people she has never met, the question is how is that a personal stake for her?

      Otherwise, the wording is repetitive, and the descriptions are generic.

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    2. Singularity

      I think you should begin with the threat. You say the lead character must save the world, but from what…

      As in “When (This threat) arises to destroy the world a…

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    3. Samurai

      You’re focusing too much on world-building and not enough on plot:

      Alternative world, fun.

      Starchild!? Ooooo.

      Good to know the ring is called the “starring”.

      Given by a god?? OMG!

       

      Not trying to make fun.? Just emphasizing what I’m noticing.? Sounds like a nice fantasy adventure.? But what is wrong with the world?? What’s so special about this girl, that she should be given this responsibility?

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