Penpusher
Posted: 2015-10-08T10:07:45+10:00 In:

After the murder of her mother, an anti-socialite young girl must survive the trials of a ritualistic fraternity to vindicate the alleged killer…Her father!

After the murder of her mother, an anti-socialite young girl must survive the trials of a ritualistic fraternity to vindicate the alleged killer…Her father!
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    2 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Agreed with the above.

      I’d add that the MC description as “…young girl…” sounds generic and as a result doesn’t add much to our understanding of the character perhaps either remove or change it.

      Secondly I think the cause and effect relationship between the murder and the need to vindicate is clear but surviving the trials of a ritualistic fraternity is not clear, this seams like a separate element tacked on for effect more than a story need.
      How will this bring the MC closer to achieving her goal?

      Hope this helps.

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    2. Logliner

      Fundamentally, I think this lacks originality.? It even lacks a different twist on an otherwise already-done plot.

      The college fraternity element is the weakest link of the chain.? On the face of it, so what if the killer is hiding in a college fraternity?? I mean, if the killer was part of an exclusive gentleman’s club (perhaps a Freemason?) – or even better, part of the legal fraternity (a court judge?) – then that would have a stronger ‘so what’ factor.? (Still would not be a very original story concept, but would make the stakes higher and clearer for the daughter.)

      While I still don’t think that the whole concept is compelling, I would recommend – as a bare minimum change – that the killer be implied to be someone extraordinary.? For example:? a presidential candidate, a leading medical scientist or surgeon, a rogue secret agent, or even a vampire or alien conspirator.? (I admit these examples are trite and stereotypical, but they should communicate my point clearly.)

      Going further, I would suggest a couple of other changes:

      a) Say “alleged murder” of the mother – leaving the reader guessing that maybe she’s not actually dead (!) … Some producers may like the possibility of ripping off “Gone Girl” a bit.

      b) Perhaps say one thing interesting about the daughter.? For example:? she’s “psychic”, or epileptic, agoraphobic, has severe allergies, or even communicates with spirits and/or the dead.

      If you make all three changes I am suggesting, I think your story idea will at least come across as ‘interesting’.

      Good luck with it.

      Steven.

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