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martinreeseLogliner
Posted: March 11, 20132013-03-11T10:53:39+10:00 2013-03-11T10:53:39+10:00In: Public

A young lieutenant?s assignment to turn an antiquated battle cruiser into a traveling museum becomes a life and death struggle when he and his retiree crew must defend a colony world under attack.

Old Soldiers Never Die

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    3 Reviews

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    1. Tor Dollhouse
      2013-03-11T13:38:35+10:00Added an answer on March 11, 2013 at 1:38 pm

      Who is attacking the colony world ?? Why must they defend the colony world ??

      Knowing these questions and including them would help us as a reader.
      The logline starts of good and then I stopped caring when I got to the end.
      Make us cheer for the lieutenant and his crew. Give us a clearer obstacle.

      Did the battle cruiser need a new part and they stopped at a colony world to fix it ??
      Is the colony world their home ??

      Also you can cut down the wording for a much stronger approach.

      We know by reading the logline that the battle cruiser is being retired and there is not a need to use “retiree” crew as I thought it meant:

      1) The old crew who ran the battle cruiser (Senior Citizens)
      2) A crew who’s last mission is the assignment

      Hope this helps 😀

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    2. martinreese Logliner
      2013-03-12T02:11:53+10:00Added an answer on March 12, 2013 at 2:11 am

      Thanks. Your comments helped a lot.

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    3. martinreese Logliner
      2013-03-12T02:33:13+10:00Added an answer on March 12, 2013 at 2:33 am

      Try this one: A lieutenant?s assignment to turn an antiquated cruiser into a traveling museum is interrupted when he and members of the original crew are the only ones in range when a colony is attacked by alien raiders.

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