A young spirited girl acts as guardian to her transgender friend as they go through the tribulations of a small town society. On one unbelievable evening and at great cost the girl transcends as a savior and etches her passion of friendship in time and memory.
nuveunPenpusher
A young spirited girl acts as guardian to her transgender friend as they go through the tribulations of a small town society. On one unbelievable evening and at great cost the girl transcends as a savior and etches her passion of friendship in time and memory.
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What did she do to etch her passion. That is the story. So I’d start with;
A girl and her transgender friend …… In the face of small town bigotry.
At 46 words and 2 sentences this needs significant choppage.
The first sentence does not describe a single event that motivates the character to take action, instead it describes a situation with no beginning or end. A logline needs to describe a single sequence of events that lead to a conclusion in a plot, this means it starts with an initing incident and finishes with a goal – even if the MC fails to achieve it.
So best to re draft this logline so it describes, in specific forms, the event that motivates the girl to become a saviour and how she “…etches her passion for friendship?”, otherwise it’s too vague.
As the others said.
The ?protagonist’s cause is a worthy one, but, alas, the logline frames a setup, a situation for a plot, but not an actual plot. ?It’s long on hyperbole “unbelievable”, “at great cost”, “transcends”. “etchers her passion”, but ?short on specifics.
You might want to study the guidelines for constructing an industry standard logline under “Training” at the top of the web page.