Determine
KnightriderMentor
After becoming immune to their technology that predicts and alters our choices, a young woman must stop a secret society’s twisted plan for humanity’s future.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
Hey Knightrider,
You have it all: an MC, the inciting incident, what she must do, and an antagonist. If you write another version, consider playing around with other verb/noun choices that ooze dramatic impact; I think the part …that predicts and alters our choices for their own gain. could benefit from this.
Free humanity is an outcome not an action. I can’t see what kind of film this is based on that. It could be an action film or a political thriller both would work.
Plus I find the order challenging.
After becoming immune to a technology that predicts behaviour used by a group used to manipulate humanity a young must …..
Still wordy, but it progresses in a film like order, which I think helps.
Hmm. I preferred the earlier version because it places the protagonist in a greater quandary. ?The protagonist is caught between the horns of an interesting ethical dilemma. ? This, however, is a more conventional ?bad guys versus good gal story.
Also, I don’t know why they would need to alter behavior. ?First of all, that grants the bad guys two extra-ordinary powers, ?prescience and omnipotence, that the story is now burdened to explain. 1] How do they foresee the future? 2] How can they manipulate behavior? And 3] what makes?her so special as to be immune?
Also, as every stock investor knows, you don’t need to be able to manipulate a market to benefit. ?If you know where the market is going, you can bet either long or short with equal profitability. ?Ditto with sports games, the lottery.
fwiw
This is one of the better written loglines i’ve seen but as far as your story is concerned this secret society could use a little more attention. What do they want and are they all over the globe? Is this an illuminati-type group or more of a Twelve Monkeys band?
I think it sounds sexier flipping the pronoun “their”. It’s a freakin’ secret society! Throw that shit out front. Hooked.
Also is there a better adjective for the “young” woman? A “naive” woman. An “idealistic” woman. What else is she besides young? You might get a little more oomph with a different adjective.
After becoming immune to a secret society?s ?technology that predicts and alters our choices, a young woman must stop their?twisted plan for humanity?s future.