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Tony ByrdPenpusher
After being built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must race against time to kill vampires who tries to invade her town so that she can be human again.
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This logline is written in an odd order. elements are there, and I can see, Robocop meets Buffy the vampire slayer.
But there are elements missing as well. Who is the overall bad guy, the person who turned her into a cyborg? A big bad vampire?
What is the lead character’s goal? Is it to kill a specific vampire or to find a way to become human again?
And how does this make her a ‘ticking time bomb? Is this literal or figurative, I can’t tell from reading the logline.
I revised it.
Your second attempt:
“After being built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must race against time to kill vampires who try to invade her town so that she can be human again.”
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I think the new attempt fixes a few of the problems of the original logline: but not all.
1: I am not seeing why a vampire would want to make the lead character a cyborg: what is his motivation? (Unless it is a big reveal)
2: I am not seeing why the lead character killing vampires would return her to human status (Unless her specific goal would be to save the only scientist who can transform her back to human)
3: I am not seeing ‘what’ the ticking clock is, why must she race against time? She must defeat the vampires before (this specific time) or (This bad thing will happen). (What specifically is causing the ticking clock?)
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Interesting premise, Cyborgs and Vampires I can’t remember ever seeing this combination before.
With a little more work and a few specifics I am sure the logline will turn out as interesting as the premise
?
Maybe I’m missing something but this logline is confusing.
If I work hard at it, this is what I was able to glean:
MC – young woman.
Inciting event – being turned into a cyborg.
Goal – become human again.
I shouldn’t need to struggle to understand the premise, so even if the above is correct, the logline isn’t working.
What’s the cause and effect? How will killing vampires turn her back into being human?
What should the logline be? I’m confused also.
Tony, I dig it – this is what I can “see” so far.
My hope is that you can fill in my liberties with your story, with the help of the inquiries above to make this yours.
A vampiress modified by cybernetics to perform daily work in a picturesque town must defend her newfound home after rebelling against the vampire horde.
INTENTION: must kill vampires so she can be human again??
OBSTACLE: vampires invading town/race against time.
After she is built as a cyborg by a fellow vampire, a young woman must kill the vampires invading her town? (because if she doesn?t? she won?t be human again??)
My notes:
I?d get rid of ?tries to?.?
I like the time limit/ticking clock. Great element for a concept – but not very clear why she?s racing against time so she can be human again.?
Intention and obstacle are there – fine.?
There?s an inciting incident – not sure if it?s the right one though.
Everything is here – it?s just not clear why.
Why is she racing against time?
Why does defeating vampires make her human again?
How necessary is the ?being built into a cyborg by a fellow vampire?. Isn?t the inciting incident – ?vampires take the town?.
How about?
When vampires invade her hometown, a cyborg-vampire must defeat them before sunrise, in order to become human again.?
That last part – again, not sure how how? why? How does a cyborg-vampire become human again? Perhaps she has to retrieve a talisman or something?
I dunno – perhaps it?s fine as it is.?
Hope this helps in some way.
Good luck!