A SHOT AT FAITH
carllordLogliner
Abducted as a small child, a college hoop star must endure a season of unexpected obstacles when he sets out to find his long-lost dad.
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I really like this.
“Abducted as a small child” – as an inner conflict or inner demons.
“A college hoop star”- your MC
“to find his long-lost dad”- a clear goal for your MC
“unexpected obstacles”- your antagonist
You put all important details in that logline. I only would describe how he wants to find his dad out there.
All the best with it!
You put all important elements in that logline and have a clear vision where this story is going to.
I would only put more detail into the main goal of the MC: How does he want to find his long-lost dad?
All the best with your work!
Agree with the above comment seems like all the elements are there, but maybe the wording needs some arranging.
This is just a personal preference, but I would tweak it so the chance at a Basketball Career would somehow be in conflict with his father. Maybe when he is reunited with his father he, of course, wants to bond with him, but his father is from a line of farmers, and expects his son to be the same and now the only way the son can have a relationship with his father is to do something he isn’t good at and has him wondering if he was better off without his dad.
Maybe the dad has some dead seeded resentment towards the son as he is doing what he should have done and followed his dreams rather than what was expected of him.
Just my thoughts, wish you the best of luck
My questions are, was the hoop star abducted or adopted? If he was abducted, does he know he was abducted or does he just think he was adopted but he was actually abducted? Maybe instead of “unexpected obstacles” you could use “dark family secrets surface” or something like that?
I like where you’re headed.
Having observed this concept through several iterations, I’ve drawn the following inferences:
1] The main character had lousy parents. And a lousy childhood.
2] In spite of that, he’s managed to become a college hoop star.
3] Now he’s got to locate his long lost dad.
4] The story is informed by a religious theme.
What I still don’t understand is:
1] Why is it suddenly urgent that he locate his long lost dad? Why NOW?
2] What’s at stake? If he doesn’t find his father, what will he suffer, what will he lose?
3] What has the religious theme got to do with basketball? (Obviously, if I lived in Indiana, I wouldn’t ask that question; it would be self-evident. But since, I, as well as most viewers don’t live in Indiana….) The religious theme, I’m guessing, ties all the seemingly disparate elements together, but I am clueless as to how that might happen.
[And “unexpected obstacles” is a tautology. It’s the nature of dramatic obstacles that they are unexpected.]
Great feedback from everyone. Without posting another version, here is another attempt.
Logline attempt #1: Disbelieving his depraved mother that he is illegitimate, a godly college hoop star follows his faith to discover a dark family secret surrounding the truth about his long-lost dad.
What is the incident that triggers his disbelief in her story, that sends him searching for his dad? What is the crisis in his faith that compels him to seek out his father? (Were he to be illegitimate, it’s no sin on his part.)
It is getting a bit confusing as this same concept has been posted many times with several iterations of the same idea in several different posts. Bellow are a few of the comments I made in a different post of the same idea, most of them still apply…
The latest draft of the logline is much more concise but the elements in it are still too vague.
?unexpected obstacles ?? or “…dark family secret?” need to be specific for a reader to want to know how the MC will over come them to create intrigue and help shape the plot structure.
“Disbelieving his depraved mother that he is illegitimate,” is not an inciting incident and will likely, in modern day cinema, not convince most audiences that he is powerfully motivated.
What makes the MC go on his journey external and internal? What is the inciting incident? Why must he set out to find the father now?
“…godly college hoop star..” = He is religious and he is a college student and he is a successful athlete but none of the descriptions relate to and increase each other in a compound effect. The character descriptions come across as confusing, why is he godly? How does this relate to the plot? How does this explain his motivations? How does this illustrate an obstacle for him to overcome as part of an inner journey?
Read DPGs comments carefully he explains very well how the potential connection will be lost on 99% of people.
Lastly the stakes are unclear still, why must he find his long lost dad? What is so bad that will happen if he doesn?t?
Good points Nir Shelter, and well-taken. My MC has several goals, but the most enduring throughout my screenplay is the relationship between the son (who loves his mother and prays for her salvation) and his depraved mother who tries to make him believe that he is a product of rape, while hiding the fact that she is on the run from the law. She is a real piece of work, whose character is dramatically transformed in the end.
Logline attempt #2: A college hoop star’s faith clashes with forgiveness when he discovers his felonious mother has raised him under an assumed identity.
How about this? A college hoop star?s faith clashes with forgiveness when he discovers that his mother is a fugitive who raised him under an assumed identity.
Thank you Leebo159. I like the slight arrangement of wording for my logline.