Torn: Sixty Days of Calaboose
Tracy_JPenpusher
Accused of a crime for revenge, a sensitive, feminine male struggles to keep his sanity while incarcerated in a small town county jail fully inhabited by a variety of unpredictable strangers.
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“Behind bars in the presence of unpredictable company, a new age (occupation)** struggles to keep his sanity after being accused of (crime)**.”
Dont forget to give your hero an occupation. By using just gender, it could be anyone.
Also be specific with the crime. This is a chance to hook the audience and be different.
I don’t think you need the terms sensitive and feminine to describe the protagonist. Even though the goal is subtle I do think you have it in here which is good. To me the goal is to basically keep his head while his obstacles are the inmates. By the sounds of it this isn’t a film of trying to escape the prison etc and really is a character study of this ‘fish out of water’? If so I think the log line works although I think it needs some rearranging to tighten it up.
I find the vagueness of the crime takes away from the hero. if he’s sucha feminine guy then why a crime for revenge. concepts are there i just find the choice of “revenge” too vague. Otherwise it feels like it’s on the right track
what might work “crime of passion a sensitive guy… ” sets up that hes not overly macho yet articulates the crime was fitting to him for his actions
Thank you, Kriss. Your response to the logline says that for the most part, my description worked and I can say that you actually know what the whole story is about. Thank you again.
“Accused of a crime for revenge” is confusing.
Was he falsely accused of a crime by someone who wanted to get revenge on him?
-OR-
Did he commit a crime in order to get revenge on someone else?
Considering that most responses are focusing on the ?accused of a crime for revenge? part, which is actually an important lead into the story and means exactly what it says, I thought I could delete that part altogether. But without that line, the post seems naked to me. The central story is mainly about the sensitive inmate and how he tries to keep his sanity while in jail for the first time and at the mercy of unknown strangers.
Thanks for the advice. It really helps to look at this again with an outside point of view. :o)
Unpredictable strangers, I mean.
The problem isn’t that you should drop the line, just that the line can be read two different ways.
How about something like:
After being falsely accuse of a crime…
After committing a crime of revenge…
Wrongfully incarcerated, an innocent gay male must rely on his feminine nature to survive as he struggles to maintain his sanity against the uncertainty of unpredictable cellmates and the jailhouse mentality that threatens to break him.