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TjmohrLogliner
After a heart attack on his highschool graduation, an obese mama’s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before starting college, in the hopes of getting laid and avoiding an early grave.
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I like the concept.? It has a lot of comedic potential because losing weight will not only require him to give up all the junk food he loves, but it will require a major lifestyle overhaul.
But:
In comedy a writer has some license to stretch reality.? But losing a 100 pounds between high school graduation and the start of college?? How credible is that?
Let’s do that math:? the time between high school graduation and the start of college is 90-100 days,? right?? That means he has to lose about 1 pound a day, every day.? That would only be possible? if he literally starved himself –zero calories a day, only water and vitamins.? In his obviously, weak condition ,such a diet could kill him with other health complications.
So I suggest the 100 day time frame is not credible. I suggest a more credible, more realistic deadline would be New Years.? Something like:
After a heart attack at his high school graduation, an obese mama’s boy struggles to lose a hundred pounds by New Years in order to live — and get laid.
Whatever, “–and get laid” is the button beat, the words the logline should end? on.
fwiw
Agreed, this is a great premise.
I’m tempted to suggest an alternative goal, but staying alive is good. Unrelated to the logline, it would be good if you included in the script that his father died at an early age, so he would have a real-life example of the consequences if he fails.
Here is a wording improvement suggestion:
After suffering a heart attack, a mama’s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before getting into college in order to save his life.
We get that he’s obese and in highschool, so there’s no need for these descriptions.
very helpful, thank you :)!
Hi Tjmohr,
I’m going to throw an alternative view out for consideration. ?Is getting laid a realistic goal for a teen who’s had a heart attack? ?Wouldn’t this completely rock their world? ?It feels at odds and a little crude to me. ?The timescale for him losing weight could be linked to something much more life affirming and worthwhile? (Avoiding an early grave, I get.)
The sudden impact of mortality on a demographic which is usually at a point in their lives when they feel immortal/have all the time in the world would be much more life shattering – I think it would be hard to wring comedy out of it. ?Black comedy, yes, but a comedic film?
To me this read more like an inspirational movie. ?A teen who is a mama’s boy suddenly gets a taste of mortality and he has to flip his life around. ?Once shunned, or made fun of, he starts to change his health for the better and his peers grow to support him more and more. ?He matures and cuts the apron strings whilst on a mission to save his own life and become independent.
I can see it being delivered with dark comedic elements rather than being saccharine, but feel you could shed light upon a sad subject people may not be aware of.
Kids have heart attacks and strokes, even babies in the womb have them – this boy would probably also feels shame that he’s brought this on himself (if it is solely due to his weight) and probably also blame his mama for feeding him/giving in to him.
Tjmohr:
Okay, 50 lbs is more realistic if your time frame is between graduation and going off to college.
(To meet even that goal he will have take up exercise.? A lot exercise to burn off calories.? Which will have the collateral effect of improving his cardiac readouts, make him fit enough to handle the “stress” of having sex.)
If you’re going to use the dead father trope, then his father should have also died of a heart attack — foreshadowing, the vulnerability? runs in his gene pool.? (Which is true. Medical conditions like having high cholesterol does tend to run in families.)
And I like the fact while his ostensible objective goal is to improve his health, live longer, his secret objective goal — the really juicy carrot dangling in front of him that keeps him motivated — is his desire to get laid. That’s what guys are fantasizing about nearly 24/7 at that time in their lives.? And it’s a comedy, folks. So why not ?
Anyway, good luck with this story.
?
UPDATED LOGLINE
After suffering a heart attack, a mama?s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before getting into college in order to save his life and pursue girls.
To me, the ?pursue girls? of your new logline is still a bit anti-climactic. ?It?s too close to (but not even as specific as) ?get laid?.
Maybe there is already a specific girl? ?Maybe his trainer is a girl and the B-story? ?Not that they have to end up together, but maybe he can help her see the inner beauty in her own personal life. ?His love story could be hinted at as the warm fuzzy promise of things to come right at the end?
Originally your logline read as a Porky?s style flick (god that ages me! LOL), but your response above suggests a deeper message delivered with humour.
Why is he a mama?s boy? ?How could that relationship shape his story? ?Is it because (as Nir suggested) his father died (of a heart attack?) and she?s wrapped him in cotton wool? ?Is it because she?s remarrying and she wants him to be able to walk her down the aisle?
The concept is really growing on me as I?ve not come across a story where such a young MC has a heart attack at a mile-stone event? I can see a film opening on that inciting incident and being hooked to find out how the hell did this happen and where is this kid?s life going to go from here.