After a string of failed pregnancies and suicide attempts, a skeptical waitress must learn to trust a bizarre construction worker in order to escape her abusive ex-lover and keep the baby she has stolen.
1yzzy75Logliner
After a string of failed pregnancies and suicide attempts, a skeptical waitress must learn to trust a bizarre construction worker in order to escape her abusive ex-lover and keep the baby she has stolen.
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Agree with the others about the lack of a coherent plot.
And like, Nir Shelter, I think making her a baby kidnapper is a sympathy killer.? ?Yet I see you have held on to this aspect of the story from your previous interation.? So I gotta ask, why?? Why do you want to write a story about a person who has kidnapped a baby?? What is the itch you are trying to scratch, the theme you wish to explore with it?? Why do you think she will appeal to an audience in spite of her crime?
This logline is confusing because it has two goals that seem completely unrelated and also the relationship between the inciting incidents and her goals are unclear.
“…baby she has stolen…” – not good, change this first!!! You can’t have such an awful person as the MC – it simply won’t work. What is her goal? Or better yet, what other goal could she have that isn’t keeping a stolen baby?
Once you identify the new goal — AND YOU NEED TO IF THIS CONCEPT IS TO WORK — think of a single event that would motivate her to achieve said goal. “…a string of failed pregnancies and suicide attempts…” is not an incident it’s a sequence of semi-related events that take place over a period of time.
Lastly, the connecting sinew between the events and characters is unclear: Why MUST she trust a “…bizarre…” stranger? How is this connected to her dramatic need? Why now? Why him? Why?