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hobbesLogliner
Posted: August 7, 20202020-08-07T02:04:30+10:00 2020-08-07T02:04:30+10:00In: Coming of Age

After being disgracefully fired for cheating from his billion-dollar startup, penniless maverick joins his ex-girlfriend’s bankrupt company to regain his lost glory

Working Title : The fraud founder/The startup rehab

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    9 Reviews

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    1. vivien Penpusher
      2020-08-07T05:33:39+10:00Added an answer on August 7, 2020 at 5:33 am

      The story sounds interesting. It could be a comedy as well. I have a couple of questions:

      1. What does the maverick expect from joining a bankrupt company? Does he intend to turn it around?

      2. What may prevent him from regaining his lost glory?

      3. Why is he penniless? He had a billion dollar startup before he got fired. It’s logical that he’d still have a good amount of money when he was fired unless he was incarcerated and forced to pay a hefty fine for his crime.

      In a logline you are clear about the character (the penniless maverick), the inciting incident (he’s fired from his job), and his dramatic need (to regain his lost glory). What’s missing is the conflict/antagonistic force (person) that may prevent him from achieving his goal. Without this element, you don’t have a story.

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      • hobbes Logliner
        2020-08-07T13:13:01+10:00Replied to answer on August 7, 2020 at 1:13 pm

        1. What does the maverick expect from joining a bankrupt company? Does he intend to turn it around?
        Yes
        2. What may prevent him from regaining his lost glory?
        The other bankrupt company he is joining is anti-thesis to his own ways of doing media savvy, arrogant, devil may care. celebrity business (think Elon Musk). They are trying to change humanity slowly by doing something good like open-sourcing data (think Wikipedia / Wikileaks) large corporate and government agencies are trying hard to stop them bringing them on the brink of bankruptcy .. the ex and our guy have completely opposite ideas of Business ethics
        3. Why is he penniless? He had a billion-dollar startup before he got fired. It’s logical that he’d still have a good amount of money when he was fired unless he was incarcerated and forced to pay a hefty fine for his crime.
        Yes. basically, since he was found guilty of cheating/stealing, he was stripped of all his shareholding according to the agreement leaving him almost penniless.
        I avoided adding the antagonist forces(government / large corporates) to keep logline small .. and conflict is primarily internal it’s a bit of golden fleece-like rocky .. about the guy finding his own center without his superpowers of schmuck behavior ..
        Any help to bring that in logline would be truly appreciated .. I will keep working on it anyway.
        It’s basically Elon Musk trying to do Wikileaks. I agree it can be a comedy as well.
        Any suggestions on how to improve the logline would be truly appreciated.

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        • Best Answer
          vivien Penpusher
          2020-08-07T17:31:53+10:00Replied to answer on August 7, 2020 at 5:31 pm

          Thank you for the clarification. I understand your story better now. I the logline you only include the essentials because you only have 35 words max to tell your story. Beyond that, people will lose interest.

          Here is my rough rewrite which includes the essential elements: main character, major event, the dramatic need of the main character and the obstacles that may prevent him from achieving his goal.

          “When a maverick billionnaire entrepreneur becomes penniless for his unscrupoulous dealings, he is driven to turn around a near-bankrupt company hoping to reverse his fortune but is facing management’s hostility against his business ethics.” (34 words)

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    2. dpg Singularity
      2020-08-07T22:00:14+10:00Added an answer on August 7, 2020 at 10:00 pm

      The logline is tagged as a “Coming of Age” genre. How does it qualify as a coming of age story? How old is he?

      “To regain his lost glory”: Why will an audience empathize with and root for a character who seeks to re-inflate his own sense of himself? Suggest the story be framed as a redemption story — not as an ego salvage operation.

      Whatever, loglines are about plots, and plots are about the pursuit of a specific objective goal, not the satisfaction of a subjective need. Rocky Balboa does not accept the challenge to fight the champ so he can “find his center”. Whatever he discovers about himself is an unintended, collateral consequence of his pursuit of the objective goal, to fight the champ.

      So what is your protagonist’s objective goal? He joins his ex’s business — then what? What is his *specific* business plan for rescuing the business?

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    3. IvyEight6 Penpusher
      2020-08-07T06:32:35+10:00Added an answer on August 7, 2020 at 6:32 am

      I love the concept, but keep working on it. Good job.

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      • hobbes Logliner
        2020-08-07T13:02:56+10:00Replied to answer on August 7, 2020 at 1:02 pm

        Thanks

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    4. Richiev Singularity
      2020-08-07T06:32:50+10:00Added an answer on August 7, 2020 at 6:32 am

      The word “Cheating” sounds awkward, you might try using the word “Stealing” instead.

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      • SSalvatore Logliner
        2020-08-08T18:08:47+10:00Replied to answer on August 8, 2020 at 6:08 pm

        I assumed it was an extramarital affair. If it is a corporate crime – maybe use a more specific word. Insider trading – money laundering – embezzlement

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      • hobbes Logliner
        2020-08-07T13:02:40+10:00Replied to answer on August 7, 2020 at 1:02 pm

        Thanks will change in V2

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