Posted: 2013-12-08T15:58:49+10:00 In:

After being lost at sea in the Bermuda Triangle and then finding themselves in an otherworldly gallery of paintings that become portals to strange worlds and other dimensions, will an unlikely group of teen misfits be able to band together long enough to find the door that leads them home, or will the sinister evil that brought them to this new reality keep them entrapped there forever?

Painted Worlds

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    7 Reviews

    1. Interesting concept. I’d chop it down- could take out “at sea”, “and other dimensions”, “be able to” “long enough”

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    2. I knew it needed to be tightened up, but wasn’t sure where to begin, so thanks for your input.

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    3. Here’s a quick revision:

      After being lost in the Bermuda Triangle and then finding themselves in an otherworldly gallery of paintings that become portals to strange worlds, an unlikely group of teen misfits must band together to find the door that leads them home, or the sinister evil that brought them to this new reality will keep them entrapped there forever.

      Please keep the comments coming. I really appreciate the critique: it encourages me to keep trying to improve.

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    4. Singularity

      Who is the alpha-character (aka: protagonist) who must take the lead in organizing the misfits?

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    5. Thank you dpg for your on-time comment. I hadn’t thought an alpha-character would be necessary for the story line, but as I continue to learn and move forward, I realize that I do need to rethink that point of my script.

      I’m very grateful and excited about all of this external input: keep it coming!

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    6. Singularity

      It’s fairly SOP that a logline should focus on one character as the protagonist. Ensemble stories where no one character stands out as ‘first among equals’ are the rarity, not the rule.

      As it seems to be a situation-driven story rather than a character-driven story, why have you devised this situation, tossing misfit teens into a portal in the Bermuda triangle? What’s the theme, the point, the itch you are trying to scratch? My question lies somewhat outside the scope of what you might put into the logline, but I ask it in order to get a better handle on the concept, a sense of WHY you want to tell this particular story.

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    7. Singularity

      God.rains & imluvdbyjesus:

      I prefer to respond to your revised logline line here in order to maintain the continuity of the discussion thread. (If you choose, you should be able to revise the logline at the top of this thread and delete the other one.)

      So:

      Transported with a group of his peers to an otherworldly gallery of paintings that become portals to strange worlds, an unpopular teen must overcome his insecurities and lead this band of misfits back home before the sinister evil that brought them here entraps them forever

      Okay, now you’ve identified a protagonist. But what’s the big deal about the kind of portals — why do the portals have to be “otherworldly gallery of paintings”?

      And of all the people of all ages traveling through the Bermuda triangle, why are these kids targeted to be entrapped by the sinister evil? Why doesn’t the sinister evil entrap a boat load of, say, retirees on a Caribbean cruise? Or a boat full of Haitians trying to escape poverty and start a new life in the United States? Why are the teenagers so “lucky” to be singled out?

      Finally, are you aware of the “Hero’s Journey” paradigm as applied to plotting?

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