After being pressured by the cops to turn informant a teen is sent on a run by her drug dealer boss, who is holding her younger sister, knowing this run will get her killed.
CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
After being pressured by the cops to turn informant a teen is sent on a run by her drug dealer boss, who is holding her younger sister, knowing this run will get her killed.
Share
It seems to me the protagonist is too passive here “being pressured” “is sent”. How about the protatognist turned informant voluntarily because she doesn’t want her younger sister being dragged deeper into this whole mess? Plus, I don’t see the clear connection between being informant and the drug dealer boss sending her on a deadly run. If he knows she’s an informant, why not just shoot her? If he doesn’t know she’s an informant, is this information actually relevant for the logline?
Agree that she’s too passive, a victim being used by everybody. ?Which is okay for a setup, a baseline situation, but what does she do about it? ?How does she seize the initiative, extricate herself from her dilemma, save her sister and herself?
Here are a few beats.
* After the cops pick her up and pressure her. ?She decides to leave town and go to her friends town and start over because she knows her boss is suspicious and that is bad (potentially fatal).
* She isn’t ready to leave just yet, so she has to see him. ?He sends her on a job. He holds her sister.
* She suspects she is being sent to be killed so it will not be linked to him.
* She has to find a way to get her sister back, make sure he can’t follow her (arrested or dead) and get to the new town, with no one knowing she went there.
Yet again (my MO) I am writing about a person struggling against a crap situation beyond their control. ?They are trying to find a better life but they are stopped at every turn. ?They realise they can fail and make life better for others, or take everyone with them.
I am writing this one to film. ?It is set in a number of telephone boxes, car interior and street. ?But the Logline is still important if and when I go looking for funding.
Thanks everyone.
Logline really confused me. I don’t know why her knowing a piece of information wold get her killed.
It is the fact her boss believes she is talking to Police is why he wants her dead.
The logline is confusing which reflects a potential problem in the story, additionally?the basic logic at the base of the premise is flawed – If she will die at as a result of her last run then, how does she know the boss will set her sister free?
I believe?the concept needs re thinking especially if you are still structuring the plot.
It looks as if the inciting incident is her boss kidnapping the sister, best to use this as the powerful motivator and drop the rest.
More detail is needed but here is a good start:
After her drug dealing boss kidnaps her sister, a drug mule must do one last run in order to save her sister’s life.
Whatever, she needs to be presented as a proactive protagonist. ?The logline needs to be framed in terms of her objective goal: outwit everyone to save herself and her sister.
Good point. That’s the problem I am having. ?I am 20 pages in and the script is working great. Condensing it to a main through line is hard.
How about something like:
A teenage drug courier must undertake a suicidal drug run to save the life of her sister being held hostage by her drug boss.
(24 words)
That she’s been talking to the police is a complication for her and a motivation for the drug boss. ?But it seems to me that the kernel of the concept is that she’s trying to redeem herself, rectify her bad choices, reboot her life. ?And maybe she will survive. ?And maybe she’ll die. ?But at least she’s going to save her sister’s life if she can’t save her own.
fwiw.