After being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.
naghuntdworldLogliner
After being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.
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This reads like two separate stories. There isn?t enough connective tissue between the two aspects.
If you remove the daughter story it still works because police take on crime bosses.
I think you need to attack the heart of the story.
Agree with CraigDGriffiths. There is nothing that connects the incident with his daughter with his desire to imprison criminals.
We don’t need to know their ages. It adds nothing to the logline. The fact that it’s New York… I’m not sure it’s entirely necessary to state this – at least not twice (“NYPD officer” and “across the New York city”). It does go some way to help the reader imagine the story but it’s definitely not essential simply because it could be London, Tokyo, Paris, or LA and the story would remain the same.
How and why was he rejected by his daughter? I think there’s probably a better way to tell us what’s going on with this. It needs to be something that links to the goal as well. Maybe she finds out he’s corrupt and that changes her perception of him and leads to her deciding she doesn’t want him in her life. That at least ties in a bit with his desire to turn over a new leaf. The goal could be to make his daughter proud of him thus connecting the inciting incident and the goal.
You mentioned that the story has multiple goals. In any story there may be multiple things the protagonist is trying to achieve but there should only be one over-arching goal that dictates the lead character’s decisions through the story.
Hope this helps.
“After being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.” (38 words)
Protagonist: ” corrupt NYPD officer (47)” —> As mentioned before, there is no need to include an age. If his age has something to do with the story, imply it with an adjective. (ex: a veteran detective). Otherwise, this is okay.
Antagonist: Seems to be implied that? it would be the criminals he’s going undercover with. Also okay.
Goal: “decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.” —> A logline should not describe two goals. It should describe the?objective. This logline is categorized as ‘Action’. The relationship with the daughter does not seem to fall in line with an objective which would lead to action.
For example, take a look at “Die Hard”(1988). McClane’s?objective?goal is to defeat the terrorists. As a result, he learns the lesson he needs in order to fulfill his?subjective goal by mending his relationship with his estranged wife. As I mentioned before, a logline should only?explicitly describe the?objective goal. The subjective plotline can be implied, but it should not be the focus(this is one of the reasons the logline is so long.)
Inciting incident: “After being rejected by his daughter (21)”? —> Again, no need to include age. Above I’ve discussed that the logline seems to be focusing on the incorrect goal, which also means this inciting incident does not properly reflect the event which forces the protagonist to pursue his objective goal.
Which leads to the ‘Climax’: From this logline, I can infer that an?inevitable outcome based on the goal is that the protagonist either kills/arrests the bad guy, or is defeated himself. Working backward, what is the event which forces him to pursue this specific goal?
To use “Die Hard” again as an example:
Inciting incident: when the terrorists take his wife and her coworkers hostage.
Goal: To defeat free the hostages by defeating the terrorists.
>Climax: terrorists are defeated, hostages saved.
From that inciting incident, the final showdown between McClane and Gruber is an?inevtiable outcome. They share a causal relationship.
To make up an example using elements from your logline:?After his informant tells him about a massive arms deal, a corrupt cop must use the opportunity to go undercover with a street gang to arrest the city’s kingpin. (29 words)
I suggest considering these elements for a revision. I also suggest reviewing other members’ loglines, the feedback they receive, and also the formula tab at the top of the webpage.