JOJO RABBIT
After being severely hurt by a grenade at Hitler youth camp, a prideful and nationalistic ten-year old boy discovers that his mother is hiding a fifteen year old Jewish girl in their house.
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You’ve laid out the premise, but what’s the story? Is this a tale of a young boy redeeming his soul, or a mother combating her monster offspring, or something else?
It would be a more interesting story if the kid and the girl were of similar age — an “B” story complication that raises the stakes and intensifies the moral and emotional dilemma.
Firstly, I think the period the story is set in is rather dated. Much the same moral conflict could have been set in, say, Iraq of the nineties or 2000-02. Or even present day North Korea. (Or, if an European setting is somehow important, then any of the Balkan conflicts of the nineties.)
Secondly, I think it would be more dramatically effective if the boy was a more ‘lethal’ and cunning age. Say, fourteen plus.
Thirdly, the grenade accident subtracts, rather than adds, dramatic value. Better the boy is quite capable of killing or hauling the girl to authorities, if he wants to. I see no value in the accident at either logline or story level.
The boy faces an interesting and potentially engaging conflict of loyalties, however (between his mother and his political ideology). The logline could have more sharply focused on this. This aspect is interesting and has the potential to make a reader pause and seriously consider this concept.
While it might be tempting to hint at romantic or attraction potential between the boy and girl (for example, by describing the girl as “pretty” or similar), I would advise against it. Mainly because that angle is so cliche and predictable. Much more surprising would be the boy being so blinded by ideology that he sees her as more animal than human.
On balance, despite several things that should be jettisoned off this story, it has one core strong point: The conflict of loyalties that the boy will face. This is where the emphasis of both the logline and the story should be.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)
“Mainly because that angle is so cliche and predictable.”
Okay, but when done rightly it works.
Alternatively, the boy could come to see the Jewish girl as the kind of girl who would make a wonderful sister — the sister he never had. Or like one he lost.
My point is that the transformational arc for the kid entails his breaking through ideological blinders to see the girl as a person rather than an object, a demonized other.
In short, relationship. (Which is what the “B” story is always about, usually romantic, but not necessarily.)
dpg, I can accept that the romantic angle could be done effectively. Though it takes skill (as you seem to acknowledge). But I remain of the view that it would be more refreshing to see a different angle tried. Your ‘sister he never had’ idea is one I like quite a bit and would qualify as an angle that is refreshingly different. (Steven.)
After being severely hurt by a grenade at Hitler youth camp, a prideful and nationalistic ten-year old boy discovers that his mother is hiding a fifteen year old Jewish girl in their house.
This logline peaked my interest: stories about the Nazis never get old, and showing life in Nazi Germany through the eyes of a child ? let alone a devoted member of the Nazi Youth ? is rarely done. I’d say this is definitely marketable and could easily be made.
However, while it has a hook, it lacks a firm idea of the story: what happens between the boy and the girl? His mother and him? Does he change for the better (helping the girl) or for the worse (giving both up to the Nazis)?