–
tbird5Penpusher
After discovering her utopian town is the result of a government experiment, a tenacious teenage girl must reverse the symbiosis before it becomes permanent, or risk a fate worse than repressive governmental overreach: being just like everyone else.
Share
The term “Reverse the symbiosis” is a bit clunky. (Also, in a symbiotic relationship both parties benefit; it’s a good thing)
Perhaps it is more of a parasitic relationship where the government is using the towns people in someone way, draining their life away (Perhaps metaphorically; perhaps literally)
That being said, It think the concept is solid, a throwback to 60’s sci-fi horror where an outside force (Usually aliens) turn the towns fold into some sort of pod people. So a modern take on that premise where it’s the government instead of aliens.
Yes, symbiosis does seem to an inappropriate term.? What is the core concept of the story?? Isn’t? it a teenager rebelling against conformity?
You’ve put this down as a Comedy but currently I struggle to see where the humour is coming from. As Richiev said, it’s a solid throwback to 60’s sci-fi horror, so I’d consider putting it in either sci-fi or horror genres. It doesn’t mean it can’t have elements of comedy in (I’m not sure if you can put loglines in two categories on this site) but it’s core genre, in my mind, is not a comedy.
“Teenage girl” – Is she 13 or 19? To me, it could make a big difference to the story so consider being more specific and give us her actual age.
I agree with the others re: the symbiosis bit. It’s never explained what the government experiment actually is so then discussing reversing a symbiosis is a little confusing. Consider unpacking the government experiment as this will likely form a key part in the story, themes, and tone of the story. The nature of that experiment is key to understanding the story.
I like this idea. Stick with it!
As the others have pointed out, this is a good idea, but the wording is a bit obtuse, and by that I mean not just the word “symbiosis”, but also “repressive government overreach” and “just like everyone else”.
What experiment is the government conducting and how does it keep the people from leaving? Or is it just the girl who is being deceived and not the entire town?
One of the teenagers in “American Beauty” is afraid of being like everyone else, but her chosen path to escape the fate of the common man turns out to be a dead end. What is so ominous about being just like everyone else?
You placed the logline under “Comedy”, but I don’t see the comedic elements.