Logliner
Posted: 2018-02-20T00:48:28+10:00 In:

After discovering his sister, presumed dead, is alive, a soldier must betray his father, the general, to save her.

Number of words in logline:- 19 (if my math is right)
Working title:- Betraying Blood (but it’s got the word ‘blood’ in it, which makes it sound gorier than it is. Suggestions are welcome!)

Also, background information in case you need it:?
This is a fictional world. There are humans and elves. The two races are on very tense relations with each other. The soldier is a human (his father is too).

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    2 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      This logline has some high stakes and a good backdrop but lacks some critical details.

      I think the intention is that the sister was reported as killed in battle, then new reports came in that she is still alive but behind enemy lines, is that the case? If so, there’s no need to describe her as presumed dead – the emotional stakes of wanting to save your sibling are high enough as it is. Why not change it so the inciting incident is – After his sister is caught behind enemy lines during a war between humans and elves…

      The whole betraying father element pales in comparison to his efforts in fighting the enemy to save the sister – that’s where your major conflict and obstacles will be, the dad will calm down once sis is back safe and sound.

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    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      I suggest that the logline needs to include the subtext.? That it is a war between human and elves is not incidental.

      Also, why must he save her life?? Why is her life in jeopardy?? Who/what has placed her in mortal danger? And is she presumed dead as a casualty of the war – she’s an MIA?? ?Or is her presumed demise precede the war?

      • 0