Logliner
Posted: 2019-01-29T06:39:33+10:00 In:

After failing to reconnect with his estranged daughter, a corrupt NYPD cop changes his ways and goes after mobsters that are attacking the city.

After failing to reconnect with his estranged daughter, a corrupt NYPD cop changes his ways and goes after mobsters that are attacking the city.
Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    2 Reviews

    1. Mentor

      Your inciting incident, failing to reconnect seems to lead directly to the end of his character arc. He was a bad person, now he isn?t.

      If he was a cop who was hiding his terrible actions and she discovered them it feels like this is the end of Act 2, like he tries to explain why he has done what he has done.

      Now, if he is estranged from her and one day she calls him up asking for money and he realises she is in trouble or as his daughter took the mother?s name they sent him to go scare her to pay her debts, not realising the relation.

      Then you can have them meet, he tries to help, while pretending to be a righteous cop here to put her in Witness Protection, the mob realise what is happening send bad guys, he then can?t go back to his life and it is then he decides to act in good faith.

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      Currently there is no connection between the inciting incident and his goal. It’s not made clear that the reason why he has changed his ways is to make an attempt to show his daughter that he can do better. It’s also not explained that the reason why his daughter doesn’t reconnect with him is because of his corruption. Without linking the inciting incident and the goal it doesn’t really work. Imagine the opening scene – the daughter rejecting him. Now the closing scene – the mobsters being locked in jail. The audience will be sitting there wondering what happened with his daughter.

      As Knightrider has pointed out, you said that he “changes his ways”. That’s his character arc done in one scene. Draw it out, make us feel like this is a struggle for him. He’s a bad guy trying to make good for the sake of his daughter but with 20 years of corruption behind him that’s not gonna be easy. We need to feel like there’s a risk for him too. I feel like he just decides one day to throw all the mobsters in jail, so he does, the end. Why isn’t it that easy?

      You said “goes after the mobsters”. His goal should be the end of that action… to throw the mobsters in jail. Or, in a bid to make it relate to the inciting incident, earn the respect of his daughter.

      I’d maybe promote this guy too. He’s not just an NYPD cop… he’s a Captain, or a Sergeant, or a Chief. This increases what’s at stake for him because his reputation is on the line too.

      Hope this all helps.

      • 0