Penpusher
Posted: 2019-09-01T22:49:01+10:00 In:

After her mother loses her battle with cancer, a grief stricken 13-year-old girl loses her faith in God and contemplates suicide.

I updated this after advice from multiple people.?

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    3 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Penpusher

      Thank you both!

      • 0
    2. Best Answer
      Samurai

      It feels more like the start of a movie. Not that I haven’t seen movies where things evolve very slowly, with hesitant protagonists contemplating a lot, etc.

      But at least give the girl some action to pursue for the whole film. Some objective. Even if minimal.

      Also, avoid poetic expressions that eat up word real estate?yes, loglines are ruthless at that.

      loses her battle with cancer = 5 words
      dies of cancer = 3 words
      dies = 1 word.

      Do we really need to know the cause of death in the logline?

      In a similar manner, grief-stricken is unnecessary. Unless otherwise stated (which would be a surprise), anyone losing a parent would be grief stricken.

      So, I would cut to the chase:

      After her mother dies, a 13-year-old girl…

      Then give her an objective and an ACTION.

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    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      A clarification? please:? how central to the story is the element of religious faith?? Is this a faith-based story? Is the story to be framed such that the girl must she recover her faith to find a reason to go on living?? Or…?

      Also, for the purposes of dramatic effect, I suggest she must do more than contemplate suicide.? There must be at least one scene where she stands on the edge of the cliff, about to jump (metaphorically), about to take the pills, slash her wrists — whatever her m.o. is to end her life.?? The story needs a 3rd Act climax,an ultimate crisis scene when all seems lost.? If not a suicide attempt, then what?

      Also, if you haven’t seen it, I cannot recommend highly enough “Ordinary People” (1980), the best film ever made dramatizing a teenager’s struggle with suicide.

      • 0