After her parents die attempting to reach quarantine a teenage girl takes refuge from a pandemic in a valley where she is set upon by a predatory man desperate to save his own daughter at all costs.
CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
After her parents die attempting to reach quarantine a teenage girl takes refuge from a pandemic in a valley where she is set upon by a predatory man desperate to save his own daughter at all costs.
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I posted this ages ago. ?The story has evolved heaps after working with a producer (no fund came about). ?The script is destined for the archive, but I want to tight logline in case anyone shows interest in the future. ?I’ll send the script to anyone interested in reading it. ?No need for feedback. ?Don’t intend to work on it any further. ?The story is out of my head.
The logline is confusing.
If her parents were trying to reach quarantine then they were infected, was she exposed to the diseases and infected as well or isolated from them?
What other description (less generic) than “…a teenage girl…” can you give the MC?
Is the inciting incident the man chasing her? If so, the first half of the logline can be cut.
What does “…predatory man…” mean? Is he hunting her? Or does he want to catch up with her to convince her to help him?
How will him catching the girl help save his daughter?
Lastly, what is her goal? To survive? If so how long for? In what way will she survive? Without specific detail on how she plans to survive, the goal is not clear – she could keep on surviving for years, what’s the end game? Possibly reaching a safe heaven clear of the pandemic.
Perhaps putting the man’s goal in the line is confusing. I think everything else is obvious. Trying to reach quarantine to escape pandemic, family dies = inciting incident. Act2 starts with her finding Valley. Man turns up, wants what she has. His motivation is to save his daughter. He is s predator (hunting her with the goal of killing her).
It ends with her victory, killing him and finding more survivors.
Not obvious.
Instead of calling it “…quarantine…”, call it a safe haven or disease free zone, quarantine implies that THEY need to be quarantined off from the rest of society i.e they are infected.
What does she have that he wants? This is not clear.
Is it her genes? If she is naturally immune to the disease, then there is no problem she can keep on living happily ever after in the infected areas. Would be nice if she were to volunteer herself to medical research seeing as she potentially holds the solution to a worldwide problem…
Does she have a recipe for a cure? If this is the case, she should run to the authorities with the cure and damn well give it up to save not just this one girl but all of humanity.
How could killing her save his daughter? Does he want to harvest her organs? If so then her fear of him is justified, however, the logic is flawed. Assuming that he successfully harvests her organs and transplants them into his daughter (not probable, but plausible) the daughter would presumably need more organs at some point as this will likely only alleviate the symptoms not cure the disease. If however the organs cure the disease the same issues, mentioned above, arise if she can save humanity she should.
Lastly, if her goal is to kill him this needs to be clearly described. More to the point, if the inciting incident is her family dying, the goal does not connect via clear causality to the inciting incident. Her family dying could logically connect, via a clear cause and effect, to her needing to find a cure but not her needing to kill someone else.
The world has fallen apart. ?A bottle of water would be enough reason to kill someone.
Don has been travelling wide and far to find insulin for his diabetic daughter. ?He has traveled so far that the only way he will find his way back is the GPS he carried. ?During an argument Sara takes his GPS. ?This traps him in the valley. ?Sara is unfortunately only dressed in jeans and a t-shirt (no shoes or other clothes). ?It is winter and she will only last a few days before she dies of exposure. ?Don has everything she owes (he has taken over her caravan).
She doesn’t have the means to make it to the nearest town and Don will not get home in time to save his daughter without the GPS.
This puts them in a fight to the death. ?Don and her could talk it out, but due to action, that options it long gone.
Yes some GPS work without the telephone network, think of the Arctic.
Quarantine was the last safe place on earth as far as Sara and her family knew.
The theme is, how far does a person have to be pushed before they change who they are?
Is it right to act badly for good reasons?
Who is more right, a man willing to kill to protect his daughter or a girl will to steal to protect herself?