Uberwriter
Posted: 2018-04-03T20:00:23+10:00 In:

After her student goes missing, the teacher in-charge sets up a “search and rescue” with his best friends before their field trip ends.

losing lenny

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    5 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      I would set up the environment first,

      While on an extended field trip…

      Or,

      Before the conclusion of their field trip…

      …has until the parents expect them to return.

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    2. Singularity

      Agree with Foxtrot25.? It makes no sense why the teacher should take the lead in the search operation until we understand the context, and we don’t get that must-know piece of information until the end of the story.

      Also, the ticking clock (“before their field trip ends”) really isn’t one.? Because if she can’t locate him by the end of the field trip, that doesn’t mean the search is over.? Obviously, she’s going to stay around and escalate by calling in the local cops, etc.

      Finally, I don’t see anything unique in the logline.? Of course, it’s a crisis when a kid goes missing.? But kids get lost all the time, every day — what makes this one stand out?? What is so special about this scenario that is worth investing the time and ticket price to watch?? Especially compared to real life search and rescue operations like the one on Easter Sunday in the Los Angeles for a kid who plunged into a drainage pipe system.

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    3. Uberwriter

      You guys are spot on!

      The absence of hook is an alarming issue
      Should I change it into “apparently missing”

      Allow me to explain myself there…

      The missing kid (a mischief adventurer type) mentioned to go out looking for a “mcguffin” before vanishing
      that puts them in a reasonable doubt whether he’s really missing or looking for something
      On top of that, he left a paper trail deliberately, which strengthened their doubts that they will find him as always

      So they mistake it as a game

      It’s only later when they comprehend the idea that he might really be missing and it isn’t another one of his games.

      But since this detail pertains to the Mid Point Reversal, should I include it in the logline?
      What do you say
      Because,
      Then the logline becomes a bit clunky

      In an extended field trip, when the school brat goes missing, the teacher in-charge assembles his best friends to set out a search and rescue following his paper trail, until it leads them nowhere.

      So, does this work any better?

      (Thanks Foxtrot25 and dpg)

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    4. Singularity

      >>>The missing kid (a mischief adventurer type)…

      Your elaboration makes me wonder:? who is driving the plot, the kid or the teacher?? If the kid, then he should be designated the protagonist; the logline should be framed from his pov.? He certainly seems to me to be a more interesting character than the teacher.

      fwiw

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    5. Singularity

      variable:

      If he’s a prankster, why not?? Who is the more interesting character?

      And you tag the genre as adventure.? Well, whose adventure is it — the poor distraught teacher, or the prankster-prone kid?? And how can it be an adventure for her?? It seems more like her worst nightmare as a teacher.

      I recently re-viewed an old flick? (a personal favorite for no rational reason) about a cowboy who steals a prize horse being showcased in Las Vegas and disappears into the desert.

      And everybody is looking for him.? But nobody can find him.? Except for one resourceful, relentless reporter.

      But the story is not told from the reporter’s pov,? Why?? Because, among other things, more than 1/2 the “fun and games” scenes (per Blake Snyder) belong to the cowboy.? All the ways he eludes being caught.

      It seems to me that a good logline ought to evoke “fun and games” scenes in the mind of a reader.? Which is another way of describing what constitutes a strong hook.? A hooks grab attention — and inspires the imagination.

      So which character has the potential for more “fun and games” moments in your concept, the kid or the teacher?? Which one inspires your imagination more?

      The news story I cited earlier about the kid who got lost in the L.A. sewer system:? Which is the more interesting? aspect of the story, the one people really want to know about?? The efforts of the fine people to find him?? Or his misadventure in the sewer?

      Obviously any dramatization would cut back and forth between the rescue effort, the distraught parents and the kid.? But, really,? who is involved in the inciting incident?? Who initiates the action — the kid or the rescuers?? Who owns that news story? Who owns the story hook?

      And by the way, what is the story hook in your premise?

      fwiw

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