After his girl disappears, a vacationing underachiever must interfere in the last heist of a ruthless ageing crook hell-bent on capturing the girl he needs to finish the job.
mrondPenpusher
After his girl disappears, a vacationing underachiever must interfere in the last heist of a ruthless ageing crook hell-bent on capturing the girl he needs to finish the job.
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Many moving parts in this logline but, as Moses99 said, few make sense.
No need to mention vacation. Better to choose a different character description – characters with?no real goals in life are n inspiring and will likely bore an audience. If you want to imply that he learns to value goals, make him depressed or scared.
Lastly describe in detail what he MUST achieve – kill the crook, have him arrested or save the girl and run. What ever it is it needs to be mentioned.
For me, the fingerprint is the hook, what sort of differentiates the story. ? It’s the gimmick for the heist. ?It explains why he needs the stakes character, the girl. ?(Otherwise, that element of the logline doesn’t make sense, seems extraneous.)
So yeah, I think it needs to be in the logline.
Hi Moses, thanks for your reply.
I’m trying to take in your comments, but I’m obviously still missing a few things.
I’ll try and break it down according to your points:
His girl ? daughter or girlfriend? -?Point taken, it’s his girlfriend.
What does ?him vacationing have to do with the story? -?Everything happens while he’s on vacation. He goes overseas, meets the girl, he gets caught up with the crook and his gang. ?I also used “Vacationing” to imply that he’s in a foreign land and everything that goes along with it (different customs, being lost in translation, etc). Should I not use it at all?
Or being an underachiever for that matter ? it seems like a flaw for the sake of a flaw? -?It’s not a flaw for the sake of a flaw, he truly is an underachiever. ?But I can’t write “young intelligent, ?but lazy little prick with no real goal in life”. Part of his arc is discovering that there are things worth fighting for(the girl), and finding the strength to do it. In my first attempt at the logline I just had Young Man, but that really is too plain.
Interfere? That?s very vague which doesn?t make it much of a goal -?I understand what you’ve said here. I’ll try to find something more fitting.
how does the ?girl? fit into ?the job? – The crook needs her fingerprint to unlock a vault. It’s something that seems small, but without it the whole job goes bust. But the crook’s need of the fingerprint ?is revealed late in the story. ?Should I use “fingerprint” in the log line? I didn’t want to use it, because I didn’t want to give it away.
Once again, thanks.
VERY disconnected. So much so, it doesn’t make any sense. His girl — daughter or girlfriend? What does him vacationing have to do with the story? Or being an underachiever for that matter — it seems like a flaw for the sake of a flaw?
Interfere? That’s very vague which doesn’t make it much of a goal. And how does the “girl” fit into “the job”, whatever that job may be. This is too vague, too disconnected and adds up to not much more than a thin idea. Rewrite this if you know all the answers to what I’ve asked, if not you need to.