Samurai
Posted: 2016-09-09T07:03:42+10:00 In:

After his ship crashes on a remote planet, the surviving Marine tries to get back to the front but finds himself in a mining town ruled by two rival gangs. He must stop the gangs fighting to get out of there alive.

After his ship crashes on a remote planet, the surviving Marine tries to get back to the front but finds himself in a mining town ruled by two rival gangs. He must stop the gangs fighting to get out of there alive.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      “After his ship crashes on a remote planet, the surviving Marine tries to get back to the front but finds himself in a mining town ruled by two rival gangs. He must stop the gangs fighting to get out of there alive.”

      Example:??After his ship crashes in a mining town on a remote planet, a Marine must stop the two rival gangs from tearing the town apart so he can repair his ship to get home. (34 words)

      Is his goal to repair/find a new ship, and the gangs are the obstacles? You need to make the goal clear, because as an inciting incident, his ship crashing doesn’t logical mean he must fight two gangs.

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      What’s the purpose of setting in on Mars other than to (thinly) disguise the similarity to Yojimbo?

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      The concerns that jumped to mind, when I read the concept, were about the causal connection of the events. As Dkpough1?pointed out, what is the reason he needs to stop the fighting? How does him crashing on the planet make him NEED to stop the fighting?

      If it’s just a writing connivence thing (we all do it once in a while?) there needs to be more causality, i.e the fight on the planet caused a missile to go into space and hit his ship which forced him to crash land. Other wise it’s a random event that makes him take action. Better yet if he was sent to investigate or stop the fighting in the first place, and then he gets shot down.

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    4. Logliner

      A Marine survives a ship crash on a remote planet, but to get out alive, he has to stop two fighting rival gangs of a mining town

      • 0
    5. Singularity

      The revision by Recluse is more concise, but still has the same problems the original post had – predominantly in the basic logic of the premise.

      • 0